


bound to be a ghost

by weatheredlaw



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Character Death, F/M, Family Issues, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Medical Trauma, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-03 11:48:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12747708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weatheredlaw/pseuds/weatheredlaw
Summary: When he wife dies, Magnus is left to raise their adopted son on his own. Angus's love ofCaleb Clevelandmight be the one thing that keeps them afloat and one way or another, they're gonna get through this.





	1. the kid is not alright

**Author's Note:**

> i have other stuff to finish but, here's this thing that's making me cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He took a pillow and a blanket and padded down the hall to Angus's room, cracking the door open just enough so he could hear his son's breathing.
> 
> He laid the pillow down in the hall, covered himself with a blanket, and finally went to sleep.

_there's bound to be a ghost at the back of your closet_  
_no matter where you live_

 

* * *

 

Magnus stood over the stove, stirring the pot of sauce on the burner. “Angus!” he called. “Dinner's ready, let's eat!” He heard his son barreling down the stairs and slide into the kitchen. “Easy tiger.” He looked up. “Hungry?”

“Starving.”

“Get some plates out and check the garlic bread.”

Angus nodded and pushed his step-stool up to the cabinets and climbed, pulling down a couple of plates and glasses. He set them down on the counter and turned. “Hey, dad?”

“Yeah.”

“Can...we go to the bookstore tomorrow?”

Magnus glanced over his shoulder. “If we've got time, why?”

“Um.” He hopped down and carried the plates to the table. “The lady who writes the _Caleb Cleveland_ novels is doing a thing there. Did you know she lived here? I didn't know she lived here.”

“Uh, no. Didn't know that.” Magnus turned off the burner. “You wanna meet her?”

“ _Yeah._ ” Angus grinned. “Yeah, I _really_ want to. She's so cool, I read all this stuff about her last night. Did you know she's married to a theoretical physicist? That's, like, the _opposite_ of a writer.” He went to the fridge. “Can I have a soda?”

“No, it's a school night. What time is she gonna be there?”

“Tomorrow at five?”

Magnus sighed and brought the pasta and sauce to the table before taking the bread out of the oven. “Yeah, you know? I'll have Merle cover the last hour on his own. We'll go, whaddya think?”

“ _Thank you, thank you!_ ” Angus threw his arms around him, knocking Magnus back a few feet. “...Thank you,” he said, quieter now. Magnus sighed and put his arms around him.

“Yeah, bud. No problem.”

 

* * *

 

“--and she's the first trans woman to sell over a million copies, which is really cool. And she used to be an English teacher, like mom. Do you think they knew each other? Mom wanted to write books, too, remember?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Her husband won a really big award last summer, he discovered some kind of brand new particle. I could be a physicist I bet, don't you think?”

“I thought you wanted to be a teacher like your mom.”

Angus shrugged. “Maybe I could be a physics teacher.”

Magnus looked over at him and smiled. “Hey, I think you can be whatever you want to be.” He cut the wheel and turned into the parking lot. “Alright, we're here. You ready?”

Angus swallowed. “I'm...nervous.”

“Yeah, it's pretty weird to meet famous people you like. I met Jess the Beheader once and I totally freaked out.”

“Really?”

Magnus nodded. “Really. You just be yourself. She'll love you.” He turned off the truck and unbuckled. “Ready?”

Angus nodded. “Ready.” He hopped down from the cab of the truck and tucked his book under his arm, straightening out his vest. “Okay.”

 

* * *

 

The line wrapped around the store, so they got settled and waited. It took a good twenty minutes to finally get close enough to the table to see her. She was lithe with a long braid that trailed down her back and a smile that seemed genuine. Magnus liked her right away. A woman stood behind her, managing the table and refreshing the stack of books. Eventually they got to the front and Lup Taaco waved Angus over.

“Hey kiddo.”

“Um.” Angus looked at Magnus, who nodded. “Um, hi.” He held out his favorite _Caleb Cleveland_ while Magnus handed some cash over to another woman at the table for the new book. “I'm Angus.”

“That's a neat name. Is this your favorite one?”

“Yeah! I like the part where Caleb learns to pick locks. I tried to learn.”

“I'm sure your parents _loved_ that.”

Angus grinned. “I used my mom's bobby pins, she was super mad. I'm Caleb's biggest fan.”

Lup smiled. “Seems like it! You even dressed up.”

Angus blinked. Magnus pressed his lips together and tried not to laugh. “These are just my clothes,” he said quietly.

Lup's face fell. “Oh. Uh, well! You're all set up to be a future kid detective then, aren't you? I'll just make this out to you?”

“Yes, ma'am,” he said, the moment forgotten. Magnus put a steadying hand on his shoulder. Lup passed the books back and Angus grinned. “ _Thank you_ ,” he said. His voice shook, and Magnus caught the little hitch that always came before he started to cry. It didn't happen often, but –

“You can come right over here,” the woman behind the table said.

Lup held up a hand. “It's fine, Lucretia.” She reached out and put a hand on Angus's arm. Magnus realized she must have heard it, too. “I'm really glad you came, Angus. It was _so nice_ to meet you. Really. I hope I see you again sometime.”

Angus looked up quickly. “Yeah,” he said, smiling. “Me, too.”

 

* * *

 

Angus was on a cloud for the next few days – but it didn't last long. It was good that he met Lup before the weekend, but come Monday, he'd locked his door and wouldn't come out to catch the bus.

“ _You're going to be late!_ ” Magnus shouted from down the hall.

“ _I don't care!_ ”

“Angus McDonald, you come out of that room _right now!_ ”

“ _No!_ ”

“Angus!” Magnus went to his room and banged on the door. “You are _not_ missing anymore school. We can't...we can't _do this_ anymore.” He put his forehead against the wood. “Angus, kiddo. _Please._ ” He closed his eyes. “Please. You...you have to go to school. I'm sorry. I know you don't want to, I _know it's hard_ \--”

The door opened and he stumbled forward, catching himself on the frame. Angus was dressed, thankfully, but his cheeks were slick with tears.

“Angus--”

“I want to stay home. I don't _want_ to see anyone. I don't _want_ to go to school.”

“Angus, _why--_ ”

“They gave mom's room to a new teacher. I have to walk past it _every day._ ”

Magnus swallowed and knelt in front of him. “You...you never told me that.”

Angus drug a hand across his cheek. “It _sucks._ ”

“Yeah.” Magnus reached out and pulled him in. “Yeah, I know. I know it does.” He held him close. “It's like walking past her car in the garage, huh?” Angus nodded. “It feels that way when I open the closet, too. All her clothes. Her pearls are in the bathroom still. Remember her earrings?”

“Yeah. She looked really pretty in them.”

Magnus nodded. “She was beautiful.”

Angus shook against him. “ _I miss her._ ”

Magnus sighed. He closed his eyes and wondered if they could both just...stay home today.

“I know, bud.” He kissed his temple. “I miss her, too.”

 

* * *

 

“Anyway, I told Hecuba that I could take the kids this weekend, so if you want to do anything on your own, you can bring Ango by to hang out with the kids. Mavis says he, uh, doesn't talk to her much anymore.”

Magnus shut the hood of the car he'd been waist deep in and looked at Merle. “Yeah,” he said. “Sounds good.”

“Did you catch that last part?”

“Sure did.”

Merle sighed. “She misses her best friend, Mags.”

Magnus wiped his hands on a rag. “Can't really do much about that. He doesn't talk to me either, unless he wants something. Or...needs to yell.”

“Tough morning?”

“We barely made it to school.” He picked up a clipboard and checked a few things off. “They gave Julia's room to another teacher.”

Merle leaned against the wall. “Shit. That's rough.”

“Yeah. I should've known they would. They had me come by and get a bunch of her stuff last month.” He sighed and sat down in a chair, flipping through some papers. “Does this guy know how much this is gonna cost him? The entire engine of this thing is _shot._ ”

“Rich guy. Real nice, but seemed real busy.”

“Kravitz. Okay. I'm gonna call him and make sure he knows what this'll run him.”

“There's a reason you're the poorest mechanic in town,” Merle shouted after him.

Magnus shook his head and went into the office, picking the phone up off the cradle and punching in the number. He left the message with a secretary and settled into his chair. Truth be told, Magnus had no idea Angus wasn't talking to Mavis. They'd been nearly inseparably since Merle had started working at the shop a few years back and Mavis transferred into Angus's school.

Truth be told – Magnus didn't really _know_ anything about Angus anymore. Just that he hated going to school, and he loved those books.

He stared at the screensaver rolling across his ancient office computer, shook the mouse, and starting searching.

 

* * *

 

Lup was signing books in the next town over, so Magnus took off early and headed over. He wandered through the store, watching the line get smaller and smaller, until he saw Lup and her team beginning to pack up.

He went to the table and cleared his through. “Uh, excuse me. Ma'am?”

Lup looked up, brushing the hair from her face. “Um, yes?”

“Sorry, I don't know if you...if you remember me--”

She pointed. “No, I do. You and your son were in here, right? Angus.”

“Yeah, that's him.”

“Is everything okay with the books--”

“Yeah, no. The books are fine.” He cleared his throat. “Would you, um. Would you want to...to spend some time with him? With Angus?” She stared. Magnus felt his neck grow hot. “Shit, um. Okay. Look, that's...okay what I'm trying to ask--”

“Is Angus...okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, he's fine--”

“Are _you_ okay, sir?”

Now it was Magnus's turn to stare. No one asked him if he was fine anymore. They asked about Angus, and that was good, how Angus felt in all of this mattered more than how Magnus felt.

But sometimes he laid in bed and he reached over and Julia's spot was cold and the pillow didn't smell like her anymore and he'd finally taken her shampoo out of the shower. Sometimes Angus pulled down a third plate, or Magnus poured a spare glass of wine. Sometimes he picked up the phone at work to call her while she was on lunch just to hear her voice and he remembered he'd finally disconnected her phone number three months ago.

Sometimes he picked up his phone and listened to that last voicemail she'd left him, before they had to rush into the hospital –

_I'm running late, can you get some milk on your way home? Get the good stuff, I'll make ice cream tonight._

“Sir--”

“Angus is going through a hard time and the _only_ thing he cares about are your books. And you. He knows everything about you, he's read your books a hundred times. He's...he's _such_ a good kid. You wouldn't regret spending just an afternoon with him. Really.”

“Mr...”

“Burnsides.”

“Mr. Burnsides. I am so glad your son loves my stories. Really, I am. I just...I've got this tour. I'm so sorry, I wish--”

“ _Please_.”

Lup gave him a sad smile and reached out to hold his arm. Same way she'd done with Angus. “I'm _really_ sorry.”

Magnus sighed. “Yeah...yeah, alright. It was a long shot, I knew that.” He stepped back. “I'm...sorry I bothered you. Have a good rest of your tour.” He turned and headed out into the parking lot, fishing in his pocket for his keys.

“ _Wait! Mr. Burnsides!_ ”

Magnus turned, and Lup was running towards him. The woman from the other day was running after her.

“Lup! Lup, we can't--”

“Lucretia, it's fine.” She looked at Magnus. “I can spend some time with Angus. How does he feel about the aquarium?”

Magnus blinked. “He _loves_ the aquarium.”

“Perfect. How about Saturday afternoon? I'm in town that weekend, we can meet at eleven?”

“Yes. Yes absolutely. I...I don't know how to thank you--”

“Don't worry about it. Just...tell him I really liked that bow tie.”

“He's got a hundred of him.”

Lup smiled. “Alright. I'll see you on Saturday.”

 

* * *

 

Magnus went into Angus's room before bed that night to tuck him in.

“I'm twelve,” Angus said sullenly. “I don't need to be tucked in.”

“You let mom tuck you in.”

“That was different.”

Magnus sighed. “Yeah. I know.” But Angus let him pull the covers over him anyway. “Hey. You wanna go to the aquarium on Saturday?”

“ _Yes._ ”

Magnus laughed. “Okay, cool. I've, um. I've got a surprise for you.”

“You do?”

“Yeah.”

“What is it?”

“It's a _surprise_ , bud.”

Angus sighed. “ _Okay._ ” He pulled on a stray thread on the edge of his blanket. “Hey, dad?”

“Yeah.”

“Can we, um. Can we go to group next week?”

Magnus reached out and ran a hand through Angus's hair. “I thought you didn't want to go anymore.”

Angus shrugged. “I don't mind.”

“You won't yell at me before again, will you?”

“No.” Angus shook his head. “I promise.”

“Okay.” Magnus leaned over and kissed his forehead. “We'll go. I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

 

* * *

 

Magnus stood in the shower, letting the water scald his shoulders and scalp.

One of Julia's hair ties rested in the soap cradle. He reach out and put it around his wrist without thinking. She'd get in with him, sometimes, even if she'd already bathed for the night, especially if he got home late. She'd take the soap and run it over his back, working out the tension in his muscles. Sometimes he'd press her against the wall of the shower, slide into her and fuck her against the shower wall.

_I love you, I love you, god, Magnus, I –_

It'd been eight months and eleven days. Magnus turned the knob and the water got hotter.

 _My heard hurts_ , is what she'd said.

_Need to lie down?_

_No. No, but Magnus, it's different. It's not a migraine_ –

But she'd said no the first time he asked about the hospital. Angus was in the living room watching cartoons. It was a Sunday.

Magnus gripped his wrist, let the hair tie press into his palm.

When she couldn't speak because of the pain, he drove her to the ER. Carey and Killian came over to watch Angus.

 _We'll be home soon_ , he'd said, and kissed his cheek as Killian helped Julia into the truck.

She'd been sick in the floorboard, she couldn't even say his _name_ –

He carried her into the hospital.

She was limp in his arms.

The doctor said she'd been dead before he even saw her.

(Magnus tried not to think about that, how she'd died in his truck, how she'd died while he drove as fast as he could, ran every light, sirens tailing him.)

The officer who followed him into the ER didn't even say anything. Just...turned and left.

And Magnus – didn't bring her home.

But everything she owned was there. Everything she loved was there. Everything they ever _were_ was there and he couldn't stop seeing it, he couldn't put her clothes in boxes, couldn't –

Angus's grief group had a group for adults, too. Magnus didn't say much. They told him Angus never said much either. He didn't know if it was helping, really. But if Angus wanted to go, then Magnus would go, too. He'd do what he could.

He was on his own, now.

The hot water ran out after a while. Magnus turned the shower off and grabbed a towel. He looked up, swore he saw her reflection in the mirror.

_We could adopt another one. Angus would be such a good brother._

Magnus gripped the counter. He reached out and wiped a swath of the mirror clean. Her reflection was gone.

And he was alone.

Well. Not totally.

He dressed and did what he'd started doing a few months ago, when the weight of everything pushed down on him, crushed the valves of his heart, spilled into every empty space in his chest. He'd have _sunk_ if you'd thrown him into a pool. He'd have been _dead weight_ if you tried to carry him.

He took a pillow and a blanket and padded down the hall to Angus's room, cracking the door open just enough so he could hear his son's breathing.

He laid the pillow down in the hall, covered himself with a blanket, and finally went to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title and lyrics from "up the wolves" by the mountain goats


	2. some jellyfish are immortal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It just seems to me that if you want Angus to do this, to...to be more open, then you gotta lead by example.” Merle glanced over. “You're his dad. You don't stop being one just because Julia's gone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if the alternating POV's are hard to follow -- i can pop some quick character names before them. i probably want to keep this story around 4/5 chapters? enjoy!

_don't cry, hold your head up high_   
_she would want you to, she would want you to_

 

* * *

 

Angus had been pretending not to find his dad sleeping outside his room for months. He'd wake up early, probably too early, and watch until Magnus shifted. Then he'd close his eyes and wait for him to pad back down the hall. When the shower turned on, Angus would get up, close his door, and consider the day.

Sometimes it was easy.

The easy stuff was this: picking out a shirt, picking out a pair of pants, cleaning his glasses, brushing his teeth.

The hard part was walking out the door.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, _Angus._ ” Mavis tapped on the outside of his locker. It startled him, and he dropped his books.

“ _Shit._ ”

“Language, McDonald,” someone said as they passed. Angus sighed and bent down to pick up his things.

Mavis knelt beside him. “Sorry.”

“It's fine.” He shoved his books into his bag. “What do you need?”

“I...nothing,” she said. “Nothing, I just--”

“I'm going to be late for homeroom.”

Mavis sighed. “Can we _do something_ this weekend?” She hitched her bag up. “I haven't seen you in ages.”

“I'm doing something already.” He stopped outside of homeroom. “My dad is taking me to the aquarium.”

“Well maybe after.”

“Maybe.” He turned to go inside. Mavis grabbed his shoulder. “ _What?_ ”

“Angus. I _miss you._ ” She let her hand fall to her side. “I just...want to spend time with you.”

He stared at her, trying to figure her out. Mavis was his best friend. Mavis was...his _only_ friend. And all she wanted to do was see him for longer than the five minutes they spent together in the mornings, if they even managed that at all.

(Angus didn't know how to tell her that she should stay away from him. That he was always angry, that he was three seconds from hitting something _all the time_ – )

The bell rang.

“I have to go,” he said, and went into his classroom.

 

* * *

 

The aquarium was his mom's space. It was their thing they did when school was out early, or when summer was dragging on. Sometimes they'd get Magnus to come, too, if they could talk him into leaving the shop. It was always a production – they'd get ready and load into her car and she'd show up at the shop looking like a _million bucks_ , big sunglasses on, waving out the passenger window.

And it didn't matter how busy his dad was, or how frustrated he was with a job that day – as soon as he saw them, it all fell away. Angus could _see_ how much his parents loved each other. It was real and it was visible and it was _atomic_ – didn't matter how dirty Magnus's hands were, he'd lift her up and spin her around and kiss her right there.

“Come with us,” she said. “Just for a few hours.”

Sometimes he couldn't, and that was okay. But the days when he could, when he could let it all go for just an afternoon – Angus _lived_ for those days.

His parents were bright and beautiful and _in love_ , his dad's voice was loud and booming and it made everyone smile. Their stories were perfect, told in sync down to the last detail. That they'd folded Angus into the beautiful thing they were was always impossible to consider, but he became like them, as the years went on. He smiled more and he laughed more and he _did more_ –

He wished, sometimes, that they'd always been miserable.

It would have made losing what they were before...easier.

 

* * *

 

“ _Come on bud, we're gonna be late!_ ”

Angus came down the stairs and sighed. “We're just going to the aquarium.”

“I told you, there's a surprise.” Angus hadn't seen his dad this excited about something in a while. It was...suspicious. “Hey, don't look at me like that.”

“You're being weird.”

“No I'm not.”

“Yeah, you're being super weird.”

Magnus sighed. “Trust me,” he said “It's...gonna be worth it.” He grabbed his keys and jerked his head towards the front door. They never left through the garage anymore. Not together. Angus leaned back in the seat of the truck and glanced over at his dad who had been, for the first time in a long time, smiling for the last ten minutes straight.

“Must be a pretty cool surprise, huh?”

“You're gonna love it.”

Angus sighed and looked out the other window. “If you say so.” He closed his eyes, pressing his forehead against cold glasses. Magnus fiddled with the stereo, probably another first for him. There hadn't been much music in the house, that was always mom's thing. Her CD and tape collection was meticulously organized, and all her records were in perfect condition. The radio came on, one car commercial after another, so Magnus shut it off and they rode the rest of the way in silence.

It was Saturday, so the aquarium was kind of swamped, but they'd had a membership for years at Julia's insistence. Magnus put a steady hand on Angus's shoulder and glanced down at his phone. “She should _be_ here...”

Angus's stomach suddenly _dropped._

He whipped around and looked at his dad. “Is this a _date?_ Are you _dating?_ ”

“ _What?_ ” Magnus stopped and stared. “What are you even _asking_ me right now?”

“Are. You. _Dating?_ ”

Magnus knelt down and put his hands on Angus's shoulders. “Look at me. I need you to _really listen_ to me, alright? I would _never_ do that to you. I would _never_ bring someone like that into your life without talking to you, do you understand that? I know you're mad, and I know I'm not...I'm not your mom, and you don't want to talk to me about stuff the way you did with her--” Angus pulled away. Magnus let him. “I need you to trust me on that, kiddo. Okay?”

Angus stared.

“Do you...do you trust me?”

“...I--”

“ _Magnus! Angus!_ ”

Angus turned – and Lup was walking towards them.

He looked back. “ _Dad._ What--”

Magnus straightened and reached out to shake Lup's hand as she came to them. “It's great to see you. Thanks again for agreeing to meet us.”

“Of course, of course. I love aquariums. How's it goin', Angus?”

“Um.”

“We need tickets--”

Magnus reached into his pocket. “No, we're members.”

“Oh. Wow, you really do love this place.” She took the passes and looked at Angus. “You ready?”

“Just...a second.” Angus grabbed his dad's hand and pulled him away. “ _What are you doing?_ ”

“I...this is your surprise.”

“ _How?_ ”

“I asked her to spend some time with you. That's all.”

Angus felt his chest beginning to tighten and his breath starting to come in short, desperate bursts. Magnus was suddenly _there_ , wrapping him up in his arms, holding him close. “We can go home if you don't want this. We can leave--”

“No. I...I want this.”

“Are you sure?”

Angus brought his arms up and hugged him back. “Yeah. I'm sure.” He took a steadying breath. “I just--”

“Maybe I shouldn't have, um. Shouldn't have kept it a secret.” Magnus pulled back and put a hand on his cheek. “I just wanted to do something for you. I just...I wanted--”

“It's okay.” Angus reached up and took his hand. “It's...it's really cool.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Magnus nodded and stood. “Okay. Well, you...you get in there and have a good time. Tell her all the stuff you know about jellyfish.”

Angus sighed and they headed back. Lup talking with the woman who'd been at the book signing. She looked up as they came back over. “You ready, Angus?”

“Yes, ma'am.”

She nodded. “Okay, great. Magnus, Lucretia is going to take you to lunch.”

Lucretia looked up. “I'm what?”

Magnus shook his head. “No one needs to do that. I brought a book--”

“No, no, I insist. There's a really lovely place across the street, it's one of my brother's favorites--”

“Really, you don't--”

Lup held up a hand. “Lucretia will take you to lunch. Angus and I will be done at, what, one? Angus?”

“Um, yeah. Yeah that's fine.” She started heading further in. Angus looked frantically between Lup and his dad, suddenly panicked, suddenly faced with the prospect of not _being_ with him in a place that was...that was _theirs._ Magnus stood next to Lucretia, his hands in his pockets. He gave him a nod and a smile.

The vise in Angus's chest loosened, and he gave a little wave before following Lup into the building.

 

* * *

 

Lucretia was not interested in babysitting Angus's father. And, considering that he hadn't spoken a single word to her in the last fifteen minutes, he clearly wasn't too keen on it either. He sat across from her, picking at his lunch, his other hand toying with the corner of a worn out paperback. Lucretia cleared her throat.

“So you and Angus...really like the aquarium.”

“Yep.”

“He's a very sweet boy. How old is he?”

“Twelve.”

Lucretia nodded. “That must be a difficult age--”

“You don't have to do this,” Magnus said, finally looking up. For the first time, Lucretia realized how _exhausted_ he looked. He couldn't have been even forty yet, but there was a tiredness to him that seemed to reach deep. “You don't have to entertain me.”

“Did you consider it's not about you?”

He sighed. “I don't know what that means.”

“Lup is my client, my employer, and...and my friend. You are someone I don't know who followed us to Phandalin--”

“I googled her. I didn't _stalk_ anyone--”

“And you ask her to spend time with your son, a boy we don't know--”

“He's twelve, he's not a criminal--”

“I'm looking out for Lup's integrity,” she said quickly. “I'm looking out for her best interests.”

Magnus straightened in his chair. “You think I want something.”

“The thought has crossed my mind, yes.”

He shook his head. “Unbelievable. _Un_ believable.” He started eating again.

“...You're not going to say anything else about it?”

“Nope.”

“You're not--”

“I'd rather _not_ talk to you at all, honestly. I brought a book, and I'll just _bet_ someone like you, who already thinks she's too busy to take me to lunch, has a _lot_ of work to do. So if you don't mind, I'm really okay just...sitting here. You don't have to talk to me. I don't have to talk to you.” He pointed to his book. “You understand me?”

Lucretia sighed and speared a bite of salad on her fork. “ _Yes_ ,” she said. “I understand you, Mr. Burnsides.”

“Good.” Magnus pushed his plate away and picked up his book.

“You didn't finish--”

He looked at her sharply. Lucretia shut her mouth.

 

* * *

 

“So? What did you want to do first?”

Lup had apparently never been to this particular aquarium before. She told Angus she'd suggested it on a whim.

“Um, I like the jellyfish.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.” Angus slipped his hands into his pockets, clenching and unclenching his fists.

“Do you and your dad come here a lot?”

“...Sure,” Angus said. Lup raised a brow, but they kept walking, stopping at the hands-on tanks so she could reach in and poke a starfish. “Actually...actually no.” She looked up. “The aquarium was my mom's thing. Sometimes my dad's if he had time to go, but...but no. It was me and my mom's thing.”

“Okay.”

“My mom died. Did my dad...tell you that?”

Lup stood and drew Angus away from the crowd gathering at the tank. “No,” she said quietly. “He didn't.”

Angus nodded. “Sounds about right.” He went to the wall holding the salt water fish. “He never talks about it. Not if he doesn't have to.”

“I'm sure it's very hard for him.”

“It's hard for me, too,” Angus said sharply.

“Of course it is.” Lup leans against the tank. “I didn't mean to say it wasn't. I just...it's--”

“Different for him,” Angus said. “Yeah. Did he tell you I'm adopted?”

“Nope Your dad wasn't very vocal with me.”

Angus nodded. He started walking towards the hall that held all the jellyfish. Lup followed. “He used to talk. All the time. He was the loudest person in the room, wherever we went.” He waited for a family to walk past. “Mom loved that about him.”

“Do you miss that?” Angus nodded. “It takes time,” she said. “When we lose people. I'm sure that, when your dad is ready, he'll...he'll go back to being who he was.”

“No. He won't.” Angus stopped and put his hand against the glass. This was his favorite place. The hall was dark, illuminated only by the lights from the tanks. Jellyfish pulsed by, went up and over the glass that formed the roof of the hall. Angus could almost feel his mother standing next to him, her hand in his as she pointed. _What's that one called? Do you remember that one? How about that one?_

“Angus?”

“You don't understand. My parents weren't regular people when they were together.” He looked at Lup. “They were _perfect._ They...they were _made_ for each other. No one's ever going to be that for my dad ever again. He's never going to be the way he was _ever again._ ” He took a trembling breath. “I'm never going to be the same...ever.”

He felt Lup's hand slip into his own, and Angus let her lead him to a little bench outside the hall. She angled herself towards him. “You're right,” she said. “You never will be. But I think that _you_ think that means you'll never be happy and that's not true.”

“It feels that way.”

“How long has it been?”

Angus looked down. “Eight months.”

“Yeah.” Lup squeezed his hand. “I bet it feels like it'll never be okay. But I...I promise you. It's going to get better, alright? Hey.” She tipped his chin up and he looked at her. “ _Trust me._ ”

 

* * *

 

Magnus was waiting at the exit when Angus and Lup came out, fiddling with his keys. He looked _lost_ until he saw them and, for a second, just...the briefest second – he looked like the old Magnus.

“You have a good time?” He pulled him in and gave him a quick hug.

“We had a great time.”

Lup nodded. “I learned a lot of things I didn't know today. I mean that,” she added. She turned to Magnus. “Angus is really interested in what my husband is working on, and I know Barry would love to give him a tour of the lab.” She looked between them. “What do you think? Maybe next week? We can do that, can't we Lu?”

Lucretia looked up from her phone. “I, um. Yes, I think so.”

Magnus shook his head. “No, it's fine--”

“ _Dad._ ”

“Angus.” Magnus looked at him sharply. “I appreciate you meeting us here today, but I can't in good conscious take up any more of your time--”

“It's really not a big deal. I promise. How about next Saturday again? It seems to work.”

Angus looked up. “Please, dad? _Please?_ ”

Magnus looked between the two of them and sighed. “Yeah, alright. But just for a couple of hours.”

Lup grinned. “Great. How about ten? Lucretia, that's open right?”

“It is.”

“And now it's not. It's your time, Angus.” She put a hand on his shoulder. “Barry's going to be so excited, he loves to share his lab.”

Angus grinned.

 

* * *

 

“--and she kept asking me all these questions,” Magnus muttered, coming out from under Dr. Kravitz's car.

“The audacity,” Merle said, “of someone who wanted to _get to know you better._ ”

Magnus pointed. “Hey, you weren't there.”

“Nope, because you never invite me places.” Merle wiped his hands on a rag. “Look, she works for this woman, she just...wanted to make sure you were good people.” He sighed. “You could give someone the benefit of the doubt, Mags.”

“She didn't give it to me!”

“Well, _you're_ not the one with much to lose here.” He shook his head. “Was she attractive, at least?”

“Why would _that_ have anything to do with this?”

Merle shrugged. “You've only been talkin' about her for half an hour. Figured there had to be some other reason besides the fact that she had the nerve to ask you a couple of questions.” He pointed. “You didn't even _tell her_ , did you?”

Magnus leaned against the car. “...S'not any of her business.” He sniffed. “Didn't...didn't really come up.”

“Because you won't _talk_ about it.”

“I talk about it enough in Angus's group--”

“No, you don't. And I know that because you _told me_.”

Magnus scowled and straightened up, going back to work on the car. “Forget it. Just...just forget it.” He started going through the parts he needed when he felt a hand on his elbow. “ _What_ , Merle?”

“I know,” he said. “I know it's hard.”

Magnus put both hands on his work bench and closed his eyes. “I just...I don't want to have to say it anymore. I don't want to have to tell anyone anymore.”

“Maybe you should...you should take your ring off--”

Magnus rounded on him. “ _Why would I want to do that--_ ”

“Okay, okay!” Merle stepped back, hands up. “It's...more complicated than that, I guess.” He sighed. “Look, I get it. You don't...want to talk to people about it. But you complain all the time that Angus doesn't...open up. That he won't talk to you as much as he did before. I dunno.” He went back to the truck he was working on. “It just seems to me that if you want Angus to do this, to...to be more _open_ , then you gotta lead by example.” Merle glanced over. “You're his dad. You don't stop being one just because Julia's gone.”

 

* * *

 

The grief group Angus went to was every other week at an old church downtown. It was run by the hospice, managed by volunteers, and had a system of hand holding and song singing and candle lighting that Angus pretended not to be into, but Magnus knew he enjoyed. The last time they'd gone he couldn't get Angus out of the truck, and Angus had screamed at him in the parking lot, so they drove back home.

Tonight, though, he went in without argument. He even turned and waved as Magnus headed to one of the adult groups. It...took him by surprise.

They settled into their circle of chairs. The adult group worked the same way – your name, the name of the person who died, how they died, and, tonight, a quick check in.

“One to ten,” Karen, their facilitator, said. “How's your week?” She handed the talking stick off to a woman on her left, and Magnus felt his anxiety cranking up with each person who spoke. Normally he rattled off the details and finished with a quick, “Pass.” It was just...easier.

Tonight, though, the stick was in his hand and Magnus could hear Merle's words echoing in his head. Maybe Angus wasn't here, but if he started...if he took a little bit of a step –

“Uh, hi. I'm Magnus. My...my loved one was my wife. Julia. She died of a brain aneurysm. And, uh. I'm a five, I think. This week.”

Karen raised a brow. She seemed surprised. “A five.”

“Um, yeah. Yeah, Angus got to meet his favorite author so he was pretty happy.”

“And that made _you_ happy.”

Magnus nodded. “Yeah. That made me happy.”

 

* * *

 

“So? Was it good tonight?”

Angus nodded. “Yeah.”

“What'd you guys do?”

“Nothing.”

“Did you talk about anything interesting?”

“No.”

Magnus sighed. “Did you _like_ being there?”

“Yeah.”

He looked over from the driver's seat. “You did?” Angus nodded. “Okay. So...so we'll go next time?”

“Can we?”

“Yeah, yeah of course, bud.” Magnus looked back at the road.

“Thanks.” Angus looked out his window.

Some days were easier than others. Some were pretty much impossible.

Some days Magnus was a solid _zero_ on that one to ten scale.

Tonight, he was just fine being at a five. Angus seemed okay.

So – he was okay, too.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from "above the clouds of pompeii" by bear's den


	3. my heart on a line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it was like something you practiced, he reasoned. Maybe you started remembering who you used to be before, and you worked them in slowly, with care and a steady hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi writing this makes me sad but im ok

_you wrap your loving arms around my doubt_   
_i am tired of that this won't get broken_

 

* * *

 

Lup had written _Caleb Cleveland_ on accident. He was a joke character in a story she wrote to her brother when she'd studied abroad one semester in college. Taako thought it was cute, told her she should do something with it. _Caleb Cleveland: Kid Cop_ was what came of it all. She couldn't have expected it to get so popular – and she couldn't have expected it to bring Magnus Burnsides, hat in hand, to her tour table one night, asking her to take his kid to the aquarium.

No one could have expected that.

But she was there anyway, trying to tell the saddest kid she'd ever met that he was going to be just fine, even though she knew it was a _stupid_ thing to say to a twelve year old. They were all too clever for their own good, and Lup had a bad feeling about all of it, but – still. She couldn't stand to see him hurt.

When Angus expressed a barely-passing interest in Barry's work, Lup jumped at the chance to bring the two of them back into her life somehow, all to Lucretia's frustration.

“Mr. Burnsides said he wasn't interested.”

“But he agreed!” Lup said brightly.

“I don't think we should have anything else to do with them after this.”

Lup sighed. “Oh come off it, Lu. Angus is a really sweet kid, and his dad seems very nice.”

“He didn't say anything about his wife.”

“Did you...ask?”

Lucretia paused. “No.” She went back to scrolling through her tablet, making notes in her day planner. “It didn't seem appropriate.” She stood. “I'll call and double check that they're coming, and I'll make sure we have a full afternoon planned for them. Did you want to do lunch before or after?”

“After.”

“Should I have your brother come by?”

“No, he's busy with the restaurant. We'll have the university do something, can you put that together?”

Lucretia nodded. “Absolutely.” She stood and turned to leave Lup's office, but paused in the doorway. “Can I...ask?”

Lup leaned forward at her desk. “You want to know why I'm doing this.”

“It's...a little out of our wheelhouse. We don't make a point to entertain fans. I don't know many writers who do.”

Lup shrugged. “No one's...really asked,” she said. “Not like Magnus did.”

“So if we had more requests in the future--”

“Maybe, Lucretia. I don't know. Let's just...get through Saturday. Can you manage that?”

She nodded. “So long as I don't have to be Mr. Burnsides's caretaker, it should be alright.”

“He _really_ ruffled your feathers--”

“He's a grown _man_ , he can take care of himself,” Lucretia said quickly, and left the room. Barry came in as she headed out, grinning madly.

“You think he'll want to look through the telescope? I could get it ready--”

“I think he would.” She stood and went to him, draping her arms over his shoulders. “You're gonna love him, he's a really great kid.”

“Lucretia doesn't seem too happy.”

Lup pulled back. “She's just not too thrilled to hang out with Angus's dad. They didn't get on well last weekend.”

“Not a nice guy?”

“No, a great guy. Just not incredibly... _verbose_ right now.”

“I couldn't imagine,” he said, and reached up to cup her cheek. “I honestly couldn't.”

“Hey.” Lup kissed him. “I'm not going _anywhere._ ”

Barry nodded. “I'm sure she thought the same thing.”

 

* * *

 

“ _Dad! Let's go!_ ”

Magnus stood in front of the mirror and closed his eyes. He needed...an hour. Maybe two. He wondered if Lup could just...send someone to the house. He didn't feel well, and he didn't _want_ to feel better. When he opened his eyes, he wasn't entirely sure if he recognized the man looking back at him. He wondered if Angus did anymore, if anyone could. He'd lost weight, he hadn't slept properly in months –

“ _Dad!_ ”

“Two minutes!”

He heard him taking the stairs three at a time, bounding into the bedroom. “You said that fifteen--” Angus pushed the bathroom door open. “...Dad?”

“Just..two minutes, bud.” Magnus put a hand on the door. “Really.”

Angus didn't seem convinced about much of any of this – maybe Magnus really _was_ unrecognizable now.

“Go downstairs,” he said quietly. “I'll be down.”

Angus turned away from him. “Sure,” he said, and left.

 

* * *

 

They pulled into the parking lot outside Barry's lab at the university – Angus was practically vibrating in his seat.

“Relax, bud. He's a regular person.”

“Dad. He has _awards._ He has a _PhD._ He's _faculty._ ”

Magnus pinched the bridge of his nose. “Nope, yeah, I get it.” He glanced over. “Remember what we talked about--”

“Be myself, right.” Angus yanked on the door handle and went bounding out of the truck. Magnus considered staying right where he was, but Lup opened the door to the beautiful glass building and caught sight of him, waving him inside. Magnus gave her a wave back, grabbed his book, and headed in.

The place was pretty incredible. There were photos of Barry and Lup meeting people who were obviously more famous than they were. Barry with his awards, photos of... _something_ that Magnus assumed had to do with his work. Lup apparently shared the office space with him. She let Angus sit at her desk chair – she even gave him a peek at a manuscript she was working on.

“It's a secret though,” she said quietly, and looked up to give Magnus a wink. He found himself smiling without thought.

Barry wasn't what he was expecting at all – photos were one thing, but he was older than he looked, and his glasses seemed larger. But he had a genuine smile, and the way he talked to Angus –

Magnus suddenly became aware of all the little ways in which they were broken, in which _he_ was broken. The bottom sort of...fell out of everything, right there, and he was frozen in place, completely at a loss for words as Barry reached out to shake his hand and he could only...stand there.

“ _Dad._ ”

“Huh?”

“I said you...must be Angus's father? I'm Barry.”

Magnus reached out and shook his hand. “Sorry,” he said. “Space cadet over here.” But Barry had a firm grip and didn't make a big deal of it.

Angus looked _mortified._

“You ready?” Barry asked.

Angus stepped away and nodded. “Yeah.” He gave Magnus one last look before he followed Barry up the stairs and toward the lab.

Lup put a hand on his shoulder. “He's going to have a really great time.” Magnus didn't really know what to say. He just watched his son walk up the stairs with someone who seemed to have...everything together. He tried to shake the feeling. What even was that? Angus was his son, and Magnus...could get it together. He _did_ have things together, he had his own business, he had a house, he...he was a _father_ , like he'd always wanted to be.

Why was he looking at Barry and Lup and wondering what it would be like if Angus had been found by someone else?

“Lup?” Lucretia stepped behind them. “The publisher is on the phone.”

“ _Oh!_ ” Lup rushed into her office. “Shit, I almost forgot. _Thank you, Lu_ \--” She shut the door behind her, leaving the two of them standing awkwardly in the hall.

Lucretia cleared her throat. “Mr. Burnsides--”

“Is there a place where I can read?”

“I...yes.” She headed through the lobby and shouldered open the door. Outside there was...a _beautiful_ garden. Little plaques lined the beds, showing the names of the flowers, where they were from, when they were planted. Magnus had never gone to college, but he'd met Julia while she was getting her undergrad and this place was so much like the little garden where they'd have lunch in between his shifts and her classes.

(He kissed her under trees with names he'd never be able to pronounce, but she could remember every single one of them – )

“Mr. Burnsides--”

“You can call me Magnus,” he said, reaching out and plucking a wilted petal from a peony.

“...Alright.” She followed behind him as he trailed through the garden, taking the time to read each plaque. “I, um. I wanted to apologize for last week.”

“Why?” He looked at her.

“I shouldn't have been such a bother--”

“You weren't,” he said. “I'm...just not myself these days.”

“I...know,” she said. “Lup told me. And I'm--” He prepared himself for the apologies, for the onslaught of _pity_ which was starting to seep into every bone in his body, every single cell he had left. “--so sad for you, and your son.”

Huh. That one was...new. He couldn't say if it was better, but –

“And I'm sorry for asking you so many questions.”

Magnus shrugged. “Can't blame you. It's a little weird, all of...this.”

“It's not really standard protocol, I'll agree.” She gave him a smile. “Anyway there's plenty of space out here to sit.”

“Thanks.” Magnus headed deeper into the garden, but Lucretia didn't follow.

And for a while, he had some peace. He felt more at ease with himself and who he was. Angus was his son, and he and Julia had done as right by him as they could manage. It was no one's fault she was gone, no one's responsibility to find a better family for Angus.

They _were_ a family. They'd manage just fine on their own.

After a while, Barry and Angus came back down, and they had lunch at a long table in the garden.

Magnus could almost hear his old self again, just for a minute.

Maybe it was like something you practiced, he reasoned. Maybe you started remembering who you used to be before, and you worked them in slowly, with care and a steady hand. Angus was brighter, too, laughing and picking at food with his fingers and asking a hundred questions. If Angus could get better, if Angus could be _happy_ –

so could he.

 

* * *

 

They turned around the next day and joined Barry and Lup for a play. Magnus had gone to a hundred plays with Julia – she'd loved the theatre, and they'd started taking Angus when he was a toddler, right after they brought him home. _To practice his etiquette_ , she'd always said.

Being in the old playhouse downtown brought back memories for them both, and Magnus felt Angus's hand slide against his own and grip it tight. They'd sat there, Magnus realized, looking around. And there, and there, and there –

Lup turned to him. “Angus, honey, did you want a snack? They have some candy bars up front,”

“N-no,” he said. “No thank you.” Magnus heard the quiet hitch in his voice and made a move to stand. “Dad--”

“Let's get some air.”

Barry glanced over. “The show's about to start--”

“Two minutes,” Magnus said.

When they stepped outside, he gave Angus his space and let him breathe.

“ _I can't, I can't, dad I can't--_ ”

“It's okay. We can go home.”

Angus looked at him. They'd hardly spoken to one another that week. Their longest conversation had been an argument about a call Magnus had gotten from Angus's math teacher, that he wasn't turning in his assignments and had failed his last test. Angus ended the entire thing rather effectively by marching up the stairs and slamming his door.

“ _I can't stay here, it's like she's here--_ ”

“I know.” He reached out, and Angus fell into him, shaking. “ _I know._ ”

“I just want it to stop,” he said. “I just want it to _stop._ ”

“It will.”

“ _When?_ ”

Magnus closed his eyes. He wished he had an answer. He wished he had literally anything else to say.

“Is...everything alright?” Magnus looked over Angus's shoulder. Lucretia was standing on the curb, watching them, holding her sunglasses in her hands.

He stood. “We're going home.”

“Oh, but isn't it just starting? I had some car trouble--”

“It is,” Magnus said. “But we...we need to go home.”

Lucretia looked between them. “Of course,” she said. “I'll just tell Lup you've left.”

“Thanks.” He tried his best to smile, but it must have just made it all worse because Lucretia _reached out_ to touch him, to comfort him – she reached out to put a hand on his arm and Magnus wrenched away from her without thinking.

And then they were standing on the sidewalk, Magnus's hands on Angus's shoulders, Lucretia's hovering between them.

“...I'm sorry,” she said.

Magnus _choked._

And then he walked away.

 

* * *

 

Lucretia was the only one in the office when Magnus came by a few days later.

She held the door open and he stared for a moment before he thrust an envelope into her hands.

“What is this?”

“The money for the tickets.”

Lucretia looked inside at the crisp bills, then back to Magnus. “Lup won't accept this.”

“We left without telling her, it was rude and we're very sorry.”

“You were _upset_ , there's nothing--”

“Will you just take the money?” he asked. “ _Please._ ”

Lucretia sighed. “I'll give this to her,” she said. “But I won't make any promises.”

“Great. I'll see you--”

“Do you want some tea?”

Magnus turned. “What?”

“I was going to make some tea, did you want any? She might be back soon, I'm not entirely sure where she went. Sometimes she just...goes.” Magnus raised a brow. “Nevermind,” she said quickly. “It's--”

“No,” he said. “I'll...have some tea.”

“Oh.” Lucretia stepped back. “Um. Alright, then.” Magnus came inside and she shut the door. “Just...give me a minute.” She went into the little kitchenette and he trailed after her. “We keep the staples on hand. Barry loves to make cups of tea and let them get cold all over the lab.”

“Sounds like my buddy Merle. Makes ten cups of coffee a day. Drinks about three of them.”

Lucretia glanced over at him. “I've read it's a mark of genius.”

Magnus shrugged. “Merle's not a dummy, that's for sure. He can take an engine apart and put it back together faster than anyone I've ever known.”

Lucretia set a kettle on the little stove. “Do you fix cars?”

“For the most part. We started a side thing a couple years ago sprucing up really old rides. It's made us some extra money.” He leaned against the counter. “...Am I doing okay?”

“...Are you doing _what_ okay?”

“Talking. Making conversation.”

Lucretia turned to him. “Sure. Other than that bit.”

He laughed. It...was nice. “Yeah, that makes sense.” The kettle whistled at them. Lucretia made up two cups and handed him one. “Thanks.” She waved him over to a little table under a window, and they settled across from one another, nursing their mugs. “Merle said if I wanted Angus to talk more then I needed to talk more.” He took a tentative sip.

“It's alright if you don't.”

“I should though. I...you didn't know me, before.” He paused. “I don't think you'd have liked me then, either.”

Lucretia frowned. “I like you,” she said, and tried to come up with something else to say, but – her confession hung between them. Magnus turned away and looked out the window.

In the lobby, Lucretia heard the tell-tale crash of Lup arriving – all her tote bags hitting the floor and banging against her desk while she yelled into her phone at her brother.

“--absolutely _ridiculous_ , Taako, I can't even imagine--” She stopped just short of the kitchen and stared at them. “Babe? Imma call you back.” She hung up and expertly flipped her phone and slid it into her pocket. “Well _this_ is a surprise.”

Magnus stood so quickly he jolted the table, splashing it with tea. “Ah, shit--”

Lup can in and poured the rest of the water from the kettle into a mug of her own. “Don't have a conniption, Magnus, I love surprise guests.” She picked out a teabag and let it steep. “What's the occasion?”

“I, um. I came to apologize for leaving so abruptly on Sunday. I brought some money--”

“You can take it with you.”

“Angus really wanted me to give it to you,” he said. “He's...he feels terrible.”

Lup stepped closer. “Is he alright? He seemed so upset--”

“He's fine now. Mostly fine. It's just...we just used to see plays with his mom there. It was sort of our thing.” He was staring at the floor now, and Lucretia recognized the tremor in his hands. She wanted to reach out, but the memory of their incident on Sunday was still fresh – she didn't want to hurt him again.

But he looked up, finally, and said quietly, “Please just keep it. Or at least...tell Angus you did.”

Lucretia went to the counter and picked up the envelope, handing it back. “I won't tell if you don't.”

Magnus nodded and took the cash. “Great. I, um. I need to get back to work.”

“Sure.” Lup turned and walked him out. “You know, Magnus, my brother and his fiance are having a housewarming party in a couple of weeks. Maybe you come for a few hours. Without Angus,” she added. “Not that we don't want him around, did he tell you Barry invited him to a lecture next week?”

“He did. We'll do our best to make it. School night.”

“Right. Well, the party's in a couple of weeks, maybe you could make some plans for Angus, give yourself a few hours. I'm sure it's well-deserved.”

“...We'll see,” he said. “Thank you,” he added, “for the uh, the tea. And conversation.”

Lucretia honestly couldn't remember what they'd even talked about. “Of course. Any time.”

He nodded. “Right. We'll let you know about the lecture.”

Lup smiled. “Sure thing. Have a good day.” She waved as he headed to his truck and then shut the door behind him. She turned to Lucretia. “ _Tea and conversation?_ ”

“He was upset when he got here--”

“He was _upset_ when he _left._ I think _upset_ is his default state. Right now, anyway.” She pulled her hair back and started sifting through some of her bags. “I think he's handsome, don't you?”

Lucretia sputtered. “That's _wildly_ inappropriate. He's a _widower._ ”

“Well sure, he's sad, but he's easy on the eyes.”

“I'm not entertaining this discussion with you.” Lucretia headed back into the kitchen to clean up. “It's all a moot point anyway, because _that_ is not how I feel.”

“Okay, _okay._ ” Lup pulled out her phone. “Well you _should_ call him about the party, Taako's insisting I invite everyone I know. And I think Magnus could use a bit of a social hour.”

Lucretia sighed. “Maybe.”

“Do you think it's too soon?”

“I think it's his choice.” She dumped the water from the kettle. “He told me today he's...working on things. He's trying to get better at things he used to be good at. I think you just...leave it up to him.”

“Right.” Lup nodded. “Don't push.”

“Exactly. He's not _me_ ,” Lucretia said, giving her a nudge.

“That's true, you're a huge pushover.” Lup laughed. “When I found you, you were just a mopey wallflower. And now look at you. Inviting rugged men in for tea.”

“...You're never going to let me live this down, are you?”

“Absolutely not,” Lup said brightly. “I've got a call at three, I'll see you for dinner!” she called, as she headed into her office.

Lucretia sighed and went to the table, cleaning up the spilled tea. _Tea and conversation_ , he'd called it.

She tried to remember what they'd even discussed, before she realized they'd sat in silence for most of it.

Not a terrible thing, though.

No – not terrible at all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from "broken" by s. carey.


	4. kindest regards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus goes to a party. Lucretia gathers data.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh i know i wrote a chapter yesterday, but here's another one.

_and what I've done is not enough to hope you out of here_   
_what I've done is not enough to hope you out of here_

 

* * *

 

Once a month, without fail, Captain Davenport brought his ancient station wagon into the shop for someone to look at. That someone was almost always Merle.

Magnus had gotten _very_ good at pretending to be _very_ busy – five years ago his _seven_ year old had been able to pick up on the fact that the captain was keen on Merle, and that made this long, _arduous_ courtship ritual all the more agonizing to watch.

Each month – save the months Davenport was at sea – the station wagon glided effortlessly into the lot of the shop. Davenport got out, adjusted his bowtie in the reflection of the driver's side window, and gave a hearty, “ _Hello!_ ”

Magnus would always respond: “Mornin', cap'n!” because it was always before noon when he came. The man was a well-oiled machine.

He'd wander in and shoot the shit for a while, talk about the weather, ask about Angus or, before, Julia. Magnus would ask about his cats – Beatrice and Birdie, both grumpy, both orange, and both _ancient_ – or about his most recent trip. Davenport would play along for a while before he'd smoothly transition into whatever was supposedly wrong with the car this month.

“She makes just the _strangest_ whistling noise.”

“It's weird, everything's fine until we hit about 65? Then I hear this _racket._ ”

“Well you know, I think there's something stuck under the frame, it's just driving me mad.”

Whatever it was, Magnus would nod sagely and consider the problem before he said, “You know Merle's my station wagon expert, cap.”

“Oh, I wouldn't want to bother him.”

“ _Nah!_ He's free. I'm swamped, honestly.” And Magnus would call Merle over before going into his office to kick back with the paper and a cup of coffee and return phone calls until lunch.

(Used to be he'd pick up the phone and call Julia, and she'd pick up, even if she was in class, and she'd relay the continuing love affair of the captain and Merle to her students, who came back every year, even when they'd moved on, to ask if they'd confessed, or even gotten married. The first time Dav came by after she was gone, Magnus picked up the phone, and the sub in her classroom answered.

He couldn't stop shaking.)

“What does he even see in Merle?” he'd ask sometimes. Merle had greasy hands and a short-cropped beard. His glasses were always dirty, and he talked to the cars like they were people, Magnus could hear him from across the shop. Davenport owned a boat and fished half the year. He wore bow ties and kept his hair neat and his mustache trimmed.

On paper, it didn't make sense. But Julia was an unending optimist, a believe in true love. She'd look at him very seriously and say with all the conviction she could muster, “His _soulmate_ , Magnus.”

And he believed her.

When the captain came in that morning, a couple weeks after the play, Magnus went out to greet him, same as always. Usually, the station wagon Davenport had been meticulously caring for over the last twenty years rolled in smoother than any new ride Magnus could find. Today, it clanked and wheezed into the lot, and a very haggard looking captain stepped out.

“ _That_ doesn't sound good.”

“It happened over night,” he said, pulling out a handkerchief and mopping his brow. “I barely made it home from the docks. I think she sat too long.”

“Yeah, you've been out longer than usual.” Davenport had taken off a month after Julia died – it was a longer trip than he usually took, time like that could be hard on a car, especially one as old as his. “Let's have Merle take a look.”

“Magnus.” Magnus turned. Davenport's expression was pained. “You don't...have to keep doing this.”

“Doing what? Merle's my station wagon guy.”

“It's...it's a waste of time.”

Magnus bristled. He wanted to be angry, wanted to point out to Davenport that Julia had _believed_ in them, that his own _kid_ knew they were right for one another, that it was as much an insult as it had been when he wore a straight black tie to Julia's funeral –

But Davenport didn't know this. Davenport was the one who'd been flirting with Merle six months out of every year. Merle was the one who didn't notice. Whatever they were, maybe it wasn't as solid as Magnus thought.

“ _Captain!_ ” Merle stepped out of the shop, waving him down. “You're back.”

Davenport sighed. “I am,” he said, brushing past Magnus. “Maybe you can help me out.”

“Oh, what's the trouble this time? Leave your gas tank open?”

“You didn't hear it roll in?” Magnus asked.

“I heard like a _dyin' animal._ ” He pointed at the captain. “Was that you?”

“Afraid so.”

“Well let's get out there! Take a look!” He gave him a wink and headed towards the car. Davenport sighed and followed.

 

* * *

 

Lucretia considered it a miracle she got her car out her parking spot at all.

It'd been giving her trouble for weeks, but she was busy, she was bogged down, and the dealership where she bought the car was all the way across town. Getting there was an expedition, and with the new book on the shelves, a manuscript under review, and talks about procuring the rights to a _Caleb Cleveland_ movie starting to drift about – it left her poor car with nothing to do but go from bad to worse.

And on top of it all – her warranty had expired. When the nice young man at the dealership told her exactly how much the repairs were going to cost, Lucretia _fled._ She didn't know where she was going to _go_ , and she could feel everyone watching her as she turned her key over and over until the car started up and she wheezed her way out of the lot.

It took her a good ten minutes of praying at red lights that she didn't stall to remember that Magnus owned a shop. She pulled out her phone and did a quick search before heading in his direction, stalling twice before she finally found it. A man who was _not_ Magnus stepped out to meet her, shielding his eyes from the sun and looking her over as she stepped out.

“Sounds like trouble.”

“Yes,” she said, smoothing out her blouse. “Big trouble.”

“Amazed you made it here,” he said. Lucretia realized this must have been Merle. He circled her car, tapping the hood and muttering to himself. It didn't matter who fixed this mess at this point – she just needed to get back on the road. “Lemme check with the boss man about this, he might know something--”

“Lucretia?” Magnus stepped out of the garage.

Merle looked between them. “Who... _oh!_ Oh, _you're--_ ” He stopped. Magnus gave him a look. “ _Right._ I'll, uh, get back to work on the captain's ride.”

“Good idea.” Magnus watched him head back in before looking back at her. “I'm, uh, sorry I didn't return your last couple of calls. We've been dealing with a situation.”

“Is everything alright?”

“Not especially.” He went to the front of her car. “You mind popping the hood?” Lucretia nodded and opened the door, pulling the lever. Magnus whistled. “It's a hot mess in here.”

“I know, I've been putting it off.”

“Happens to the best of us.” He propped the hood up and leaned in twisting things here and there, pulling on a few others. “I had to bring Angus home from school last week. There was an incident.”

“Is he okay?”

“Oh he's fine. He, uh. He hit someone.”

Lucretia balked. “He _hit_ someone?”

“There was a whole thing. Some punk's been giving him a hard time. I asked him if he wanted me to make a call, but he said no. Whole thing escalated. When was the last time you got your oil changed?”

“...I don't know.”

He nodded. “I know, it gets away from you, huh?” She nodded. “Well I can fix this today. Need about a solid hour? I've got loaners you can borrow as long as you promise not to run anyone over.”

Lucretia laughed. “I actually just have some work to do. I could wait here, if you've got the space.”

Magnus rubbed his neck. “Ah. Well. We don't, really. But--” He gestured for her to follow. “That's Merle, by the way. _Merle, say hi!_ ”

“ _Hello!_ ”

Magnus led her through the shop and opened a door to a little office. “This is as close to a waiting room as I have, but there's internet if you need it, and you can use the desk if you'd like.”

“I appreciate it.”

“Just need the keys.”

“Oh. Oh, yeah, here.” She handed them over, a little embarrassed at the charms and knick-knacks she'd collected. Magnus didn't even blink. He gave her a nod and headed back out to the lot. Lucretia heard her engine turn over a few times before he managed to get it inside.

Lucretia settled at the desk. It was surprisingly tidy, though she wasn't sure what she should have expected. Maybe more photographs. There's only one – Magnus holding a very young Angus, standing next to a beautiful woman with a head of dark curls and her arm around his waist. _Julia_ , she thought, and found herself smiling. She was... _lovely._ Even in a photo, her smile was infectious.

She heard Magnus heading back in and quickly looked away, rummaging in her bag for her laptop and day planner.

“Hey.” He tapped on the door frame. “I've got this guy coming in to pick up his car, so I'll get started after that. You okay in here?”

“Fine,” she said.

“Great. There's coffee and mugs behind you if you want some.” He glanced over is shoulder. “Ah, okay, uh, gimme a minute.” He turned and waved as someone pulled into the lot. “ _Dr. Kravitz!_ ”

Lucretia looked up.

Kravitz was _in_ Magnus's garage, running his hand over a car that Lucretia had _seen_ before, she couldn't believe that she hadn't recognized it.

“Really excellent work,” he said, as she stepped out of the office. He glanced up and caught sight of her, smiling wide. “Lucretia!”

Magnus turned to her, then looked back at Kravitz.

“My dear, look at you, it's been an entire month.”

“It has,” she said, and let him kiss her cheek. “This is the car you bought.”

“It is! Looks completely different, doesn't she?”

“I...yes.” Lucretia looked it over before looking at Magnus. “You did this?”

“Uh, yeah.”

She shook her head. “Sorry, I can clear things up. This is Kravitz, he's engaged to Lup's brother, Taako.”

“Lup has a brother.”

“Yes,” Kravitz said. “He'll be very disappointed to hear you didn't know.”

“I think I did,” Magnus said. “Just...hard to keep it all straight.” He cleared his throat. “It's all done,” he said. “You want to start her up?” He handed Kravitz the keys.

“Do I ever.” Kravitz went around and settled into the driver's seat. The car _purred._ “Amazing,” he said. “Completely amazing. Lucretia, you remember when I bought this piece of junk, don't you?” She nodded. “Look at it now! It's incredible. Mr. Burnsides, _you_ \--” He shut off the car. “--are a master. Really. This is a _craft._ ”

“I'm just glad you're happy.”

“More than happy.” Kravitz reached into his jacket and pulled out his checkbook. “I believe I owe you the second half.” He wrote out a check and passed it over. “Ah, but, before we finish this deal, I _must_ extend an invitation.” He pointed. “My fiance and I are having a housewarming party tonight. You really should come.”

Magnus's cheeks flushed. “It's, ah, it's very nice of you, to offer. But my son--”

“Bring him!”

“I'm not entirely comfortable with that.”

“ _Get a damn babysitter!_ ” Merle shouted.

Kravitz pointed. “Or that.” He pushed the check across the roof of the car. “Consider it, please. Lucretia can set you up with our address, and your son must be this Angus I've heard so much about.” He smiled. “He's more than welcome, though I understand your hesitation. I'll expect you tonight, but if you decide to stay home, no hard feelings.”

“Right.” Magnus took the check and pocketed it. “Well, I appreciate the invitation, at least. Do you need any help getting the car back or--”

“No, no, it's fine. I planned on driving this home today.” He pulled his sunglasses out of his pocket. “Lucretia, convince him to come, won't you? You can talk yourself up, Mr. Burnsides. Get more than a few referrals out of this. Think about it!” he said cheerfully, and slid back into the car.

They watched him back out and drive away. Magnus sighed. “Just...let me take care of your car before you talk me into anything.” He shook his head and walked away. Lucretia headed back into the office to finish her work.

When Magnus came to get her a little over an hour later, she sat firmly in the camp of not discussing the party at all. It was his choice, and Lup had brought it up _two weeks ago_. He could decide these sorts of things for himself.

“I'd like to go,” he said, surprising her. “For a bit.”

“Oh.”

“Angus has a couple of sitters who are totally crazy about him, and he really likes them. Plus he'll...probably be glad to get rid of me for the evening.”

“I'm sure--”

“Believe me. He'll appreciate a dad-free house. Just...text me the address. I'll do my best.”

Lucretia nodded. “Oh! I need to pay you--”

“No, don't worry.”

“ _Magnus_ , you need to let me pay--”

“Look.” He pressed the keys into her hand. “You just...help me so I don't make a fool of myself tonight.”

“I doubt you could.”

“Oh, _believe me._ I could.”

Lucretia gripped her keys. “I don't feel right about this.”

Magnus shrugged. “Quid pro quo. I help you, you help me, we call it even. Okay?”

She sighed. “Alright, _alright._ But that means you _have_ to come.”

“Yeah,” he said. “Sort of painted myself into a corner, didn't I?” He gave her a quick smile, and walked away.

 

* * *

 

Angus gave him the once-over and announced, “You can't wear that.”

“...Why not? It's a nice shirt.”

“It has a hole in the bottom.”

“I'll tuck it in.”

“ _Dad._ ” Angus went over to the bed where Magnus had set out a few shirts. “How about this one, with your dinner jacket?”

“That's kinda fancy.”

“It's _kind of_ a fancy party.”

Magnus sighed. “You really want me out of the house, huh?”

Angus shrugged. “I think you should socialize.”

“Says you. I know you've been ignoring Mavis.” The silence that followed was _heavy_. Magnus finished doing up the last few buttons and put a hand on Angus's shoulder. “I'm sorry,” he said. “I know it's been hard.”

“She's been patient.”

Magnus nodded. “She's a sweet girl.” He went into the closet and grabbed his jacket. “Look. I'm trying to...to get out there. I think you should try, too.”

“I guess.”

“And no more hitting people.”

“ _I don't want to_ \--”

Magnus held up a hand. “You don't want to talk about it again. I know. You've told me six-hundred times. But you're my son, and you punched someone in the face. As impressive as your right-hook apparently was--” Angus _grinned._ “--you _cannot_ do that again. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Hey. None of that.” Magnus pulled him in and kissed the top of his head. “I think you've gotten taller.”

“Mom said the doctor thought I was gonna be a beanpole.”

“He did. He said you'd turn into a giant. Get bigger than all of us.” Magnus put a hand under Angus's chin, lifting his gaze. “I know it's been hard. But we've...we've been doing okay, don't you think?”

Angus nodded. “We have.”

“Good.” He heard someone moving around downstairs. “I think the wonder-couple's here. Go say hi.”

Angus smiled and bolted as Magnus headed into the bathroom. He slipped the jacket on, watching himself in the mirror.

He looked a little like he was making play at all this, but he'd told Lucretia that he'd be there and, frankly, if Kravitz had other rich friends with a proclivity for buying shitty cars, Magnus could use their business.

Downstairs, Carey and Killian were already setting up some elaborate board game with approximately eight-thousand pieces and ordering pizza.

Killian whistled. “ _Lookin' good, Mags._ ”

“Yeah, yeah.” He scrawled Lucretia's number on a piece of paper and stuck it under a magnet on the fridge. “Look, this is another number to reach me at if something happens, or my phone explodes in my pocket, or I can't hear it ring--”

“Magnus.” Carey put a hand on his shoulder. “Everything is going to be okay.”

“Right. No, yeah, I know that.” He looked towards Angus, who was getting out all the little tabs and figures and sorting them by color. He pulled Carey out of the kitchen and into the hall. “See if he'll...he'll talk to you.”

“Is he not talking to you?”

“Not about important stuff.”

Carey sighed. “You want me to do emotional reconnaissance on your kid?” Magnus shrugged. “I'll do my best,” she said. “Now get out there, meet some people, mix it up!”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “Thank you, I'll get right on that.” They headed back into the kitchen. Angus looked up.

“You look good, dad.”

“Thanks bud.” Magnus went to him and kissed his forehead. “Bed by eleven if I'm not home, understand?”

“Sure thing.”

“Okay. You guys have fun.”

Carey pulled on his arm and handed him his keys. “Get _going_ already, stop _hovering_ \--”

“ _Call me if_ \--”

“ _Goodnight, Magnus!_ ” she shouted cheerfully, and slammed the door in his face.

 

* * *

 

The house was _incredible._ Magnus had never been in a house this big, or this beautiful. He stood awkwardly in the foyer until Kravitz came to get him, putting an arm around his shoulder and drawing him further inside.

“The man of the hour,” he said loudly. “I was _just_ showing everyone the incredible work you did on the car.”

“Exquisite,” someone said, and a few people raised a glass.

Magnus wanted to _bolt._ Used to be – this was his bread and butter. He'd have eaten this up, and Julia would have talked loudly about how Magnus dropped out of art school, and how he was a _craftsman –_ but right now, he just wanted to sink through a hole in the floor.

Someone said loudly, “Is _this_ Angus's dad?” and Magnus turned to find who he _thought_ was Lup practically waltzing towards him. “I'm Taako,” he said. “Since you look confused.”

“...Right. Right, yeah. Lup's brother.” They shook hands.

Taako raised a brow. “So you're the genius who turned this moron's heap of junk into something that passes for a car.”

“It does more than that,” Kravitz said. He gestured for Magnus to sit. “I'll get you a drink. Wine? Cider?”

“Water's fine.”

“How about a beer?”

Magnus sighed. “Sure. Beer.”

There was only a momentary lapse in the general conversation while Kravitz went into the kitchen and brought Magnus back a drink. He sat on his own for a bit, listening to people talk and laugh. Lup wasn't there yet, which meant Lucretia wasn't there yet, which meant that Magnus was living in literal hell, deeply concerned that someone would even _look_ at him. He tried to remember how the old Magnus would have acted at a party – he and Julia went to them all the time. They'd had a large circle of friends who'd all been married around the same time.

These days, they didn't call him much. It was like he didn't exist anymore, but Magnus knew – no one wanted to confront that reality. He was the living embodiment of their greatest fear. He was a cautionary tale, in some ways.

And besides – he'd stopped calling them first.

“--wife, Mr. Burnsides?”

“Hm?” Magnus looked up.

A woman pointed to his hand, and Magnus realized he'd been fiddling with his ring. A nervous tick, even when Julia was alive. “Your ring. Is your wife home tonight?”

He stared. If he stared _too_ long, it was going to get awkward. If he lied, he'd be stuck in a trap. If he told the truth, he'd...be telling the truth, and somehow that was the hardest.

“Your Angus's father, right?” someone else chimed in. “Lup was talking about him, he's quite clever she says.”

“He is.” Magnus felt relieved. Talking about Angus was preferable to anything else. “Incredibly clever.”

“Where does he go to school?”

“The science and arts academy, downtown?”

“Oh, that's _excellent._ ” The woman who'd asked about his ring sat closer. “You're really setting him up for college, he'll look wonderful on paper.” She took a sip of her wine. “What does your wife do?”

 _Can you fucking let it go_ –

Magnus breathed. “She's, um. She's a teacher, actually.”

“Subject?”

“English.”

“Favorite class of mine,” Kravitz said, settling down across from them. “Never used it, but I loved it. Where does your wife teach, Magnus?”

Magnus swallowed. His breath was coming quicker, now. He twisted his ring and stared at the floor. _It's okay_ , he wanted to tell himself. _Just...say it._

“My wife passed, actually. This year.”

Kravitz leaned forward. The woman next to Magnus put a hand on his shoulder. His muscles _screamed._

“Oh, that's _terrible_ , I am _so sorry_ \--”

“How about another beer?” Kravitz said loudly. “Magnus? You can meet Taako properly.” He stood and gestured for Magnus to follow. In the kitchen, Kravitz pulled down a glass and grabbed a bottle of scotch. “Here,” he said. “Fortification.”

“Oh, I don't--”

“Look. Lup told me about your wife, and I completely forgot. I was an idiot and I dragged you out to a party complete with my entire collection of nosy friends--” He pressed the glass into Magnus's hand. “One drink, and you can hide here until Lup and her cohort arrives.”

“That's not--”

“But it _is_ ,” Kravitz said. “Taako doesn't care for them either.”

“I don't, it's true.”

Magnus sighed and drained the glass. “No,” he said. “I'm not hiding. I made Angus a deal, and I...I need to stick to it.”

Kravitz raised a brow. “Well. You're braver than me.”

“I'm really not,” Magnus said. “But at some point, I have to be.”

 

* * *

 

“I can't believe it was Kravitz who got Magnus to go.” Lup checked her lip-liner in the rearview mirror before she got out of the car. “And you,” she added, glancing over at Lucretia with a wink.

Lucretia pretended not to see.

Barry shifted the bottle of wine they'd brought. “Is something going on?”

“Lucretia is wooing Mr. Burnsides.”

“I'm _not_ ,” she said, heading up the walk to the front door. “You're fantasizing about my love life again, which never ends well for either of us.” She checked her phone. “And we're late.” She wondered if Magnus had showed – he hadn't messaged her to confirm anything beyond the address earlier in the afternoon. It would make sense if he hadn't – Kravitz's parties were always teeming with people Lucretia could never remember the names of.

“Well,” Lup said, interrupting Lucretia's thoughts. “ _One_ of us has to have big dreams for you.” She opened the door and immediately went for the kitchen.

Barry put a hand on Lucretia's shoulder. “She just wants you to be happy,” he said, and followed Lup inside.

Lucretia took her jacket off and hung it in the coat closet by the door before heading into the party. She felt someone grab her elbow, and Kravitz drew her to the side. His eyes were warm, mouth slack with a smile. “I'm _so glad_ you got Magnus to come.”

“Oh. I, uh--”

“You know, these people _need_ to be brought down sometimes.”

Lucretia raised a brow. “They're _your_ friends.”

Kravitz shrugged. “Sometimes _I_ need to be brought down. It happens.” He pointed. “Not much of a talker, but an excellent listener. And a wonderful story-teller. He could give Lup a run for her money.” He planted a messy kiss on her cheek and headed into the kitchen. Lucretia snagged a glass of wine from a table in the foyer and went to find Magnus.

He was standing just within the orbit of a group of Kravitz's colleagues from the hospital, nodding along.

“You have to look at it, Magnus. My father's a maniac, and he just spent an _ungodly_ amount of money on this car--” A woman showed him her phone. Magnus gave a low whistle.

“That's a _Cavalier_ ,” he said. “That's a _very_ nice car. Looks like it needs a paintjob.”

“It needs every job possible,” she said. “Do you have a card--”

“Ah, no, sorry, I've never had any made up.”

“That's alright.” She handed him her phone. “Put your number in there, I'll give you a call this week. Maybe you can do something with this monster.”

As Magnus passed the phone back, Lucretia went to him and put a hand on his elbow. He turned to her, startled, but only for a second before he relaxed and let her draw him away. “You made it.”

“I did,” she said. “Are you doing alright?”

“Oh, yeah. Yeah I'm good. Kravitz gave me a little, ah, liquid courage.”

Lucretia looked into his glass. “That's water.”

“Well, earlier. I need to head home in a bit.” He drained the glass. “I'm, uh, I'm glad I'm here.”

Lucretia nodded. “So am I.”

“This place is amazing. Angus would love it.”

“I'm sure he would have been the life of the party,” Lucretia said.

Magnus laughed. “Probably. Everybody loves Angus.”

“Not a bad way to go through life. How's he doing?”

He shrugged. “Okay. Not great, but. We missed group this week and I think that set him on edge.”

“Group?”

“Oh, shit. Uh, it's this grief group for kids who've lost family members. He likes to go. And it's not so bad for me either, there's a group for adults. Kind of...puts things into perspective.” He looked at his glass. “Maybe some wine,” he muttered.

“Heard that,” Lup said, putting her head between them. “Here, you can take mine. You look _snazzy_ , Mr. Burnsides. Really cleans up nice, doesn't he Lu?”

Lucretia felt her neck _burn_ and hid her face behind her wine glass.

“Angus helped,” Magnus said.

“Of course he did. Dad-free tonight, isn't he?”

Magnus glanced at his watch. “Yeah. Maybe I'll leave before he goes to bed--”

“No. No, no, no.” Lup shook her head. “You have to stay for dinner. We haven't even eaten yet and you _have_ to try my brother's cooking. He's incredible.” She pat him on the back. “I'll see _you_ at the table.”

Magnus sighed. “Guess I'm staying for dinner.”

“You won't regret it,” Lucretia said, and led him towards the dining room.

Taako's food _never_ disappointed. He had really outdone himself that night, breaking in the new kitchen. Magnus had another glass of wine, made small talk with a young resident sitting next to him. The conversation dimmed as the main course settled in at the table. When it picked up again, Lucretia leaned over. “You're doing very well,” she said.

“I wondered if you were grading me.”

“Solid B.”

Magnus smiled. “I'll take it.”

 

* * *

 

It was close to eleven when Lup found Lucretia coming out of one of the bathrooms and said firmly, “Magnus is taking you home.”

“What?”

“Barry and I are staying over. Wait.” She hiccuped. “Do _you_ want to stay over?”

“Not especially.”

“Okay. Sorry to strand you, babe.” Lup kissed her forehead and hooked their arms together. “But I asked Magnus and he agreed immediately because he's a total _gentleman_ and I think he wants to leave, like, an hour ago.”

“I'm sure.”

Lup sighed and turned, cupping Lucretia's face in her hands. “You are _so beautiful_ , did you know that? I want you to have good things.”

“Like rugged mechanics?”

“Yes. Like _rugged mechanics._ ”

Lucretia sighed. Lup would likely not remember this come morning, so she said quietly, “He _is_ handsome, isn't he?”

Lup gave her a push. “I _knew_ you thought so!” Then: “You're not teasing me are you?”

“No, not at all.”

“I don't believe you,” she said. “But I'm willing to put that aside. Now go find him and have a good rest of your night.” She gave her one last kiss and faded into the thick of the party.

Magnus was standing by the door, fiddling with a very beautiful vase.

“I heard you're my ticket out of here.”

He _jumped_ , and the vase tumbled off the table and into his hands. “Holy shit.”

“Nice save.”

“Uh, _yeah_ , I guess.” He cleared his throat. “You ready?”

“Sure.” She followed him out to the street. He opened the door for her as she pulled herself into the truck and went around to the other side.

“Just, uh. Let me know where to turn?” Lucretia nodded.

They drove in silence, but it was companionable enough. She'd give him a direction every now and then. He commented on the party.

“I'm glad I went,” he said, slowing down for a red light.

“I'm glad you did, too.”

“I told Angus I'd, you know. Work on this.” He scrubbed a hand over his mouth. “Of all the things that changed I think...I think this was the one I didn't expect. You know, before I was so...I was _different._ ” He glanced over at her. “I was myself.”

“You're still _you_ ,” Lucretia said.

He shrugged. “Doesn't always feel that way.”

She sighed. “It's here, on your left.” He cut the wheel and pulled into the spot in front of her condo, watching her fumble with the buckle and gather herself before he offered to walk her to the door.

“I felt more like myself tonight,” he said quietly as they stopped in front of her door. “I've felt more like myself the last month than I have all year.”

“Has it only been a month?”

“Just a little over.”

She shook her head. “It...it _feels_ like--”

“I know.” He laughed, and she felt free to laugh with him. “Thank you,” he said. “For...for helping me, I guess.”

“You did just fine on your own.”

“I felt better, knowing someone. You and Lup...you've really...” Magnus shook his head. “Sorry. I'm keeping you.”

“You're not. But I understand.” She wanted to do something, but the last time she'd touched him... “Do you want...I mean is it alright if I...if I hug you?”

He laughed. “Yeah, that's fine.”

Lucretia smiled. “Alright.” She closed the space between them, reaching up to put her arms around him. His own came down to hold her, and she was struck by how _sturdy_ he was, how his hands dwarfed her own as they settled on the small of her back. He took a deep breath against her neck as she drew back.

“I like the person you are right now,” she said quietly. “I don't think he's much different from the old you.”

“You didn't know him.”

“Well, maybe someday I--”

His hand came up to cup her cheek, and Lucretia's mouth fell open just as his lips touched her own. It startled her, but his tongue slipped against hers and Lucretia felt herself rise up to meet him, pushing herself onto her toes and hooking her arms tighter around his neck. His other hand was braced against her hip, holding her flush against him. It was _indulgent_ and _radiant_ – his hand trailed from her cheek to the back of her head and held her there, the blunt edges of his nails barely scraping her scalp.

It hardly lasted. Magnus drew back completely, sending Lucretia stumbling back a foot. He touched his lips, staring as she caught her breath.

“I have to go,” he said.

“I...right.” She nodded. “Right, of course.”

“Sorry,” he said and backed up toward his truck. “I'm so sorry.”

“Magnus--”

“I'll, um. I'll call you.” He yanked the door open and struggled with the seatbelt for a second before he finally made his way out of the lot.

Lucretia leaned against her door, watching until the lights of his truck faded down the road. She finally turned and unlocked the door, staring into the rick darkness of her apartment.

 _Not our best moment_ , she thought to herself, and went to get ready for bed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from "blood stutter" by handsome ghost.


	5. burning like a slow flame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucretia sighed. “I'm a person, Magnus. Not a coping mechanism. While I'm glad you feel justified, I'm not here to be your therapist. I suggest you get one on your own dime.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh dang that rating changed

_i’ll send a storm to capture your heart and bring you home_  
_oh, carried on the breeze, you’ll never find me gone_

 

* * *

 

On Tuesday, Magnus sat on the floor of his closet, surrounded by his wife's clothes, thinking about another woman.

It was not an ideal situation. The process of removing Julia's things from the house was arduous. Angus felt differently about it on different days and, frankly, so did Magnus. Her jewelry had been easy to stow away, though some of it he left out just...to recall certain things. The way she'd argue with him and angrily stick her ears with her pearls just _so_ , and Magnus couldn't even remember why they'd been fighting.

The sapphire necklace that belonged to her mother.

Her emerald engagement ring.

Those things he...wanted to see. In a way. Maybe it was just how he made sure she wasn't forgotten, he didn't know. Losing her was his biggest fear, now that she was gone. Forgetting what she looked like when she dressed, or sounded like when he crawled into bed with her – what she smelled like when she got ready in the mornings.

He tried to hold it all in, because every so often that morning, he'd close his eyes and see Lucretia's face – and he needed to make that stop.

Downstairs he heard the backdoor open and shut, and Carey shout, “ _I know you're home, Mags, I can see the truck._ ”

“Upstairs,” he called down, and heard her taking them three at a time until she rounded on him. Magnus looked up, and he must have been a _sight_ because Carey made a face and knelt down next to him.

“...Need some help?”

“Yes, please.”

She nodded. “Okay. Is some of it staying?” Magnus shook his head. “I'll go get some boxes, I know there's some folded up in the garage.” She kissed his cheek and headed back down the stairs. With her help, they managed to get it all folded up and packed away into the truck. Carey offered to ride with him to the women's shelter downtown.

By the time Magnus had carried in the third box, they'd attracted the attention of the shelter's director, who pulled him aside to ask if everything was alright. Magnus had no idea why she'd wonder, but she look at him so fiercely he had to say something.

“These were my wife's clothes,” he explained.

She let go of him like he was on fire and handed him his receipt.

 

* * *

 

“Did Angus tell you guys anything the other night?”

Carey paused over the basket of fries they were sharing. “...Like?”

“Like something you're not supposed to tell me.” She looked away and Magnus nodded. “It's okay. And don't...tell me,” he added, when she opened her mouth. “If he meant it to be a secret, he'll be angry at all of us. Julia never pushed him. I shouldn't either.”

“He's gonna be okay, Mags.”

He nodded. “I know.”

She sighed and put a hand over his. “How are _you_ doing? I feel like...like I never see you anymore. You're always at work, or you're avoiding me.”

“I'm not.”

“I texted you eight times last week. Come on, Magnus.”

He shrugged. “It's just...weird, you know? To see everyone we used to hang out with. Everyone's--”

“Married.” Carey pulled her hand back. “Right. Didn't...realize it'd be so weird for you.”

“I didn't either,” he admitted. “I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be a jackass.” He finished off his sandwich. “I guess I just...don't really know how to keep _going_ , you know? Like the track I was on before has all these roadblocks now and I've got to figure out a different way. I don't want that to mean leaving you behind,” he added, seeing the expression on her face. “But I can't help that it's weird to be alone while all my friends are married. I can't...I can't _stop_ that feeling.”

“I know.”

“I'll do better,” he said. “I'll _be_ better.”

“You don't have to--”

“No.” Magnus took her hand. “I do. And I will.”

Carey's eyes lit up. “Hey! How was your party the other night?”

Magnus felt the color drain from his face, but she'd chosen that moment to dig into the bag for napkins, so he was able to compose himself. “It was fine. Good. Got some referrals, made some friends.”

_I like the person you are right now._

Carey nodded. “That's good. That's really good.”

 _Maybe someday I_ –

“You should do that some more. Seems like that writer you guys met is really good for Angus, and you. See where it all takes you.”

“Yeah.” Magnus felt his throat dry up. “Yeah, maybe.”

 

* * *

 

A couple weeks after the party, Lup invited them to the science center, which Magnus agreed to mostly because Angus's face lit up when he suggested it. It would mean seeing Lucretia, who he had _not_ called, and who he was, frankly, _ashamed_ to even look at – on his account, not hers.

The kiss was his idea, after all. His move, his choice, his emotional fallout to deal with.

Lucretia, to her credit, didn't even blink when she saw him, but she stuck by his side as they moved through the lobby and watched Angus run ahead with Barry to play with different displays or machines. When the three of them decided to watch a movie about planetary orbits, Magnus opted to sit outside on a bench – and Lucretia sat with him.

It was very quiet between them for a moment before Magnus said, “I'm very sorry about what happened.”

She turned to him. “What _did_ happen, Magnus?”

He sighed, leaning against the wall and looking up at the planets painted on the ceiling. “I kissed you and I said I'd call. I'm sorry I didn't.”

Lucretia shrugged. “I didn't really expect you to.”

“No?”

“Not really. I don't meant this to offend, Magnus, but you're a man with very scrambled priorities. I didn't expect ringing me after you seemed to be so distraught after kissing me to be very high on your list.” Magnus felt his neck grow very hot. Lucretia seemed to notice. “I'm not angry,” she said.

“...Okay. I just--” He sighed. “I only...I really _liked it_ ,” he finally said, feeling rather small. “The kiss. It was...it was good. It _felt_ good. To do it. It um--”

“ _Dad!_ ” Angus burst from the exit doors of the theatre. “ _There are robotic dinosaurs upstairs, did you know that?_ ”

Magnus stood quickly. “Had no idea,” he said.

Angus grinned. “We have to get up there--”

“ _After_ we see other stuff,” Magnus said quickly. “Lup was kind enough to buy you a ticket, so we'll get our money's worth.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Angus jogged ahead.

The afternoon left Lucretia and Magnus largely to their own devices. Every so often he'd try and pluck up the courage to ask her a question, but she was either scheduling something on her phone or several feet away from him. Eventually, though, they were far enough back as Angus sat and watched a demonstration on volcanic eruptions. Magnus turned to her. “I think I needed it,” he said. “The kiss.”

Lucretia sighed. “I'm a _person_ , Magnus. Not a coping mechanism. While I'm glad you feel justified, I'm not here to be your therapist. I suggest you get one on your own dime.”

He cleared his throat. “Okay, that's...fair. I had that one coming. It was also just...nice in general, if that makes it better.” Lucretia was quiet, but her brow was raised and she was trying not to smile. “You're a good kisser.”

“...You aren't so terrible yourself.”

Magnus smiled. It was now or never, and if it was never then it was really _never._ “So if...I promise not to use you as a coping mechanism...can I maybe kiss you again?”

She looked at him. It was hard to tell what she was thinking, and Magnus was too tired to really work it out. Finally she shrugged.

“Maybe,” she said, and started heading towards Barry and Lup. “But I think this time I'll call you _._ ”

 

* * *

 

In all honesty, Magnus wanted to tell Angus. It would have made everything that would follow in the months to come so much easier if he'd just sat across from him at dinner that night and said, “I'm going to have dinner with Lucretia, and I want to know if you're okay with it.”

Instead, Angus asked if he could stay over at Mavis's house and, without missing a beat, Magnus said, “Sure.”

“And can you wait to come get me on Saturday? We were going to look for tadpoles in the pond behind her house.”

Magnus nodded. “I can do that.” _Right here_ , he thought. _This would be a good time._ But the moment passed, and they lapsed into their typical silence until Angus finished his dinner, put his plate in the sink, and went to his room.

The next night would have been perfect, too, while he rode next to him on the way to Merle's house. “Hey, Lucretia asked if I'd have dinner with her this evening. I wondered if you'd be comfortable with that.” But Angus was playing a game and Magnus was fiddling with the radio, and it just...didn't happen.

(Even the next day, a quick, “I ran into Lucretia last night and we had dinner, I wanted to know how that makes you feel,” would have been better than what Magnus ultimately chose to do. But he didn't, and so his troubles were his own making.)

He contemplated canceling, as he pulled a sweater over his head and checked his teeth and tugged on his jeans which were too big now and checked his phone for the thirteenth time, just in case _she_ decided that she didn't want to do this. But everything was fine, he looked fine and the weather was fine, so he couldn't cancel over that –

(He thought when he took off his ring – _that_ would do him in. But the metal slid off his finger and sat heavily in the little dish by his sink, blinking in the bathroom light.)

Magnus tugged on his jacket and went out to his truck. He scanned the street – explaining himself to his well meaning neighbors was the last thing he needed tonight – and headed out before he could change his mind. If he thought about it hard enough, he could justify not telling Angus. Angus was young, and dating was weird. This wasn't _really_ a date. She was just making him dinner, it's not like they were having _sex_ –

That was, of course, the precise moment when he starting thinking about _having_ sex. It wasn't the first time, since Julia, but it was the first time he'd thought about it with someone else.

“Son of a bitch,” he muttered, pulling into the spot outside her condo. He needed to breathe, for just a minute. He needed to process and take this in and _not think about Lucretia naked_ –

She opened the door, looking at him curiously, like she had almost forgotten she'd invited him over. She hadn't, obviously – she was wearing a dress that was definitely a date dress, so maybe she...maybe she was thinking about it, too. Maybe she had also panicked five minutes ago and realized she'd invited him to her house and they were probably both thinking about it and maybe she wanted to and maybe she'd ask if _he_ wanted to and if he had to answer he what was he going to say –

He couldn't sit here anymore, it was going to get weird. He grabbed the bottle of wine he'd snagged on his way out and opened the truck door.

“Thought I'd lost it,” he said, and Lucretia smiled.

“That was thoughtful.”

“Never go to someone's house empty-handed,” Magnus said, and followed her inside.

“That sounds like mom advice,” she said, and went into the kitchen.

“It is.” He set the bottle on the table and hung his jacket over the back of one of the chairs. Lucretia immediately took it and put it up on a peg by the door. “Can I help with something?”

“No,” she said simply. “Everything's just about ready.” She opened the oven door an inch or so and nodded. She pulled out a pan of salmon and set it on the stove before handing him some plates to put at the table.

When they sat down, Lucretia looked at him and reached over to put her hand on his wrist. Magnus froze. “I don't want this to be...strange. If you're uncomfortable, or if you want to leave just...tell me. I won't take it personally.”

Magnus shook his head. “No, it's...it's okay. Really. I want to be here.” The honesty of that...surprised him. He thought he'd have to talk himself into this, like he'd have to convince both of them that this was okay.

Turned out – it was.

He wondered if it was _supposed_ to be harder, if he was supposed to feel guilty and uncomfortable. None of that seemed to come. He almost felt like he could tell Angus tomorrow, tell him that he'd had dinner with someone, that it went really well, that he _needed_ him to be okay with it. He found himself laughing, listening to Lucretia's stories and offering to fill her wine glass. It was the most grown-ass thing he'd done for himself in weeks.

They'd cleared the table and Magnus carried their wine glasses into the living room. Lucretia refilled them and talked in a low, quiet voice about how she'd met Lup.

“And you guys just...got really tight?”

She nodded. “Yeah, it...happened really naturally. I don't know, Lup just...felt like someone I'd known my entire life. Have you ever had someone like that?”

He wanted to say _Julia_ , and maybe she knew that. The air grew tense between them, but Magnus said easily, “Merle was always like that. Never made anything weird. He used to teach at a _university_ , or something. Not sure what happened, but he walked into my shop one day and just...asked for a job. Had him show me what he knew and that was that.” He shrugged. “He just...became a part of our lives.”

“Those are the best people.”

Magnus nodded. “They really are.” He toyed with the stem of his wine glass. “You're...sort of like that, I think. You and Lup. And Barry,” he added. “I haven't...I haven't thanked anyone properly for what you've all done for us--”

“Magnus, please--”

“No, I'm serious. Everything's just...it's been _better_ since we met you guys. Really. It has.”

Lucretia looked down and smiled. “It's...been better for us since we met _you._ ”

“I doubt that.”

She shrugged. “Well. I can't speak for Lup, but--” She shifted closer and reached into his lap to take his hands. “It has for me,” she said quietly, and leaned in to kiss him.

Magnus was... _ready_ this time. He gripped her hands and kissed her back, sliding his tongue along hers. She sighed into his mouth before letting go and bringing her hands up to hold his face, carding her fingers through his hair. Magnus felt dizzy with this _feeling_ , the way the warmth of her started at his lips and sunk down into every part of him. He leaned back against the sofa and put his hands on her hips, drawing her closer. She planted a knee on either side of him, settling into his lap with a moan.

When his hands brushed the bare skin of her thighs, she pulled back, her lips lingering on his. Magnus tried to focus, but he was drunk on _her_ and _wine_ and he chased her mouth, drawing her back in and kissing her with more focus, with a bit of teeth –

“ _Magnus_ \--”

“It's okay,” he said, hands sliding down her legs and stroking the tops of them with his thumbs, her dress pooling at his wrists. “You're beautiful.”

She ducked her head and he followed, kissing her and trailing his mouth across her cheek and down the column of her neck. She tipped her head back and Magnus nosed the shoulder of her blouse to the side and pressed his lips to the bare skin of her collarbone, dragging his teeth there before chasing it with his tongue.

Lucretia rolled her hips against him, probably without thinking, and Magnus groaned. He was getting hard against her, and he should have been ashamed, should have felt _guilty_ – but all he could think about was her hands undoing the button and fly of his jeans, reaching in and wrapping her fingers around the suffocating length of him –

“I don't--” She pulled back and breathed. “Magnus, I don't want to push you--”

“Just...slow,” he said. He closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against her chest. She held him close, kissing the top of his head. He was okay. He was _okay_ –

“Do you...do you want to...” Lucretia sighed, reaching down to hold his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. “Magnus, do you want to have sex?” He swallowed. Nodded. Lucretia smiled. “Okay. Just...give me a second.” She kissed him one more time before disappearing into the back of the house. Magnus steadied himself, took a few calming breaths. After a minute she came back, holding a foil packet between her fingers. She set it on the arm of the sofa. “Is here okay?”

“Yeah,” he managed. “Yeah, it's fine.”

“Okay.” She hadn't sat down yet, instead reaching around and undoing the buttons of her dress, letting it slide over her arms and down her hips, pooling at her ankles. She kicked it to the side before reaching for his hand, pulling him to his feet. Magnus bent low to kiss her, hands stroking the bare skin of her sides, thumb hooking into the waistband of her underwear. He felt her fingers toying with the button-fly of his jeans before she managed to get them undone and started to push them down.

And all the while, Magnus _waited._ He waited and waited and _waited._ He waited to feel guilty, or panicked, or _scared._ He waited to doubt himself, waited to doubt all of _this_ – but it didn't come.

Instead – Lucretia pushed his jeans and boxers down and gave him a push. Magnus sat on the couch and kicked his clothes to the side, reaching down to yank his sweater over his head.

Lucretia laughed. “You okay?”

“I'm great,” he said. “I'm...I'm _really_ great.” She was still standing in front of him, so Magnus reached out to stroke the bare skin of her thighs, leaning forward to kiss her hip as his fingers slid under the hem of her underwear and drew them down. Lucretia reached out and put a hand on his shoulder, carding the other through his hair. Her underwear slid down to her ankles and Magnus reached up between her legs, fingers testing the wetness there. She took in a sharp breath. She was already slick, and Magnus had to fight the sudden urge to _taste her_ , to press his tongue against her cunt and make her scream.

“Later,” she said suddenly, surprising him. “I want you to, but...later.” She reached down and gripped his wrist before searching out his fingers. She took two and nodded. Magnus braced one hand against the small of her back and pressed his middle and ring finger inside her, stroking carefully. Lucretia moaned, spreading her legs. Magnus's mouth fell open against her stomach, and he looked up at her as she stared down, panting as he stretched her.

“Good?” he asked.

Lucretia laughed. “Yeah. It's good.” She reached down and pulled his hand away before reaching behind her to undo the snaps of her bra. It fell away, and Magnus quickly pulled her down, pressing the flat of his tongue against one nipple, rolling the other between her fingers.

“ _Fuck_ ,” she breathed. Magnus drew back. “Sorry, _sorry_ \--”

“No,” he said. “I...I like it.”

Lucretia laughed. “You just surprised me.”

“Is it okay?”

“Yeah, it's great.” She reached down and wrapped her hand around his cock, stroking it a few times before kissing him. “May I?” she asked, reaching with the other hand for the condom. Magnus nodded, and she ripped the top, pulling it out and rolling it down his length. She gave the base of him a quick squeeze and Magnus groaned. Lucretia settled into his lap again, gripping his cock in her hand and teasing her entrance before she rose up and carefully, _carefully_ pressed him against her and slid down.

Magnus breathed in sharply, both hands spread over her back, trying to relax.

Lucretia took him slow, talking in a quiet, soothing voice. It kept him anchored, tied to the moment and to _her._

“Faster?” she asked. Magnus nodded, and Lucretia picked up the pace, rocking against him and putting a hand on either shoulder to brace herself. Magnus felt her nails dig into his skin, and he groaned, pressing his mouth to her sternum, taking deep breaths. Her breasts were level with his mouth, so he reached and took one into his hand, grazing a nipple with his teeth.

Lucretia cried out as she took him hard, one hand flying out to grip the back of the couch. Magnus leaned back and let her set the pace. She reached down and cupped his cheek, stroking his brow and pressing her forehead to his.

“You feel so good,” she managed.

Magnus held her closer. “I'm close,” he said. “I'm really close.”

“Okay.” She kissed him, slowing her pace. “You're doing so good, you feel _so good_ \--”

“Just--”

“Do you need to move?” Magnus nodded and Lucretia smiled. “It's okay--”

He groaned and rolled to the side, planting one knee into the sofa as she hooked her legs around his waist.

Magnus didn't last long after that. He fucked into her, almost pulling out completely before sliding back in. Lucretia moaned, said his name, gripped his hair tight in her hand and _pulled_ as Magnus moved faster, breathed desperately against her –

He came and stilled inside her, buried deep, his fingers wrapped tight around her wrist. He let go, worried she would bruise, but Lucretia laughed and kissed him, stroking her hands over his shoulders.

Magnus took in deep, steadying breaths, kissing her back hungrily.

Lucretia drew her hands up and held his face, tracing his brow with her thumb. “You okay?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I'm good.” He swallowed. “Bathroom?”

“In the back. Do you want to rest?”

“Uh, yeah.” He stood on unsteady legs. “Yeah I think so.”

“Okay.” She stood with him and pulled on his hand, leading him to her room. Magnus went to the bathroom and got rid of the condom. He caught sight of his reflection in the mirror and marveled at the person who looked back. His lips were red and slick, and he could see the places on his shoulders where Lucretia had left her mark, the spot on his neck where she'd scratched him and he hadn't noticed. He washed his hands and headed into the room, watching Lucretia turn down the bed.

She looked at him. “You...don't have to spend the night--”

“I can.”

“I know, you just...don't have to.”

He crossed the room to her, putting a hand on either shoulder and drawing her in to kiss her.

“It's okay,” he said quietly. “I want to.”

 

* * *

 

It was early, barely six, when Lucretia woke. Magnus was snoring softly next to her, and he didn't move when she eased out of bed to go into the kitchen and make coffee. The living room was a mess from the night before so she pulled on his sweater to fight off the chill, and just...because. It was long and warm and...his. She held the sleeve of it against her nose as she switched on the coffee pot and cleared their dishes before picking the clothes up off the floor.

When she went back to bed, Magnus was slowly shifting awake, glancing around for her. “Thought you'd skipped on me,” he muttered.

“It's my house, Magnus.” He shrugged and Lucretia settled next to him. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” he said, turning his head and kissing the curve of her neck. “Yeah, I'm good.” A quick kiss turned into a longer one – Magnus's cock was pressing against her hip, half-hard and warm. He groaned. “Sorry--”

“It's okay.”

Lucretia reached down tentatively and he nodded. She stroked him a few times before he dropped his mouth to her ear and said quietly, “Can I fuck you?”

“ _Yes_ ,” she breathed, and turned to fumble with her bedside table, yanking a condom out of the box and shoving it into his hands. Magnus laughed, kissing her as he tore open the package and expertly rolled it down his length. Lucretia was still a little sore from last night, but she was wet and she _wanted_ him, drawing a knee back as he teased her with his cock for just a second before sliding his cock into her.

Everything about Magnus was _big_ , including this. He was bigger than anyone else she'd been with, but he was careful, for the most part. If something seemed uncomfortable he held back, but Lucretia didn't _want_ that from him this morning.

“ _Harder_ ,” she breathed. Magnus raised a brow and she nodded, so – he fucked her harder. His thrusts were almost agonizingly slow, but they struck her deep. Magnus reached out and gripped her wrists, pinning her to the bed. Lucretia wound her legs around his waist.

His thrusts fell into a lazy sort of rhythm, and when he came it was with a low groan against her neck.

Lucretia opened her mouth to say something, but he pulled out, reached down to put her knees on his shoulders, and pressed the flat of his tongue to her cunt. Lucretia cried out, hand flying to his hair. He'd wanted to go down on her last night, and she'd wanted it, too, but she hadn't expected it to be like this. He brought his thumb up to stroke over her clit as he fucked her with his tongue.

She hadn't come with someone's mouth on her in so long that when she finally did, it _struck her_ and she could barely move when he pulled back and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand.

“Hey,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Is that my sweater?”

Lucretia looked down. “Seems that way,” she said, and let her head fall back against the pillow as he laughed.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the weekend and the start of the week went by in a rush. Magnus tried three or four times to start a conversation with Angus about Lucretia, but he was hard to talk to. Everything seemed to bristle against him, and Magnus was worried about causing more problems, or pushing him over the edge. He was surprised when Angus agreed to go to group, but more than that – he was relieved.

Magnus needed to tell _someone_ , and he needed someone to tell _him_ that he was okay. That he hadn't made a terrible choice.

After they'd made their introductions, Karen started to talk about the discussion she'd had planned for them, but stopped when Magnus lifted his hand.

“Yes, Magnus?”

“I've, uh. I've got a question.”

Karen leaned forward, eager. Magnus...wasn't a question asker. He contributed, every so often, but questions weren't really his thing. “Of course,” she said. “Shoot.”

“I, uh. I wanted to talk about...about _sex._ ” Someone whistled. “Yeah, yeah. Look, if this is gonna get weird--”

“Magnus, it is perfectly normal to want to talk about being intimate with someone. We're all at different places in our grieving process, I'm sure someone here has some advice for you.”

Magnus nodded. “No, yeah, I get that. I just...I want to talk about...about guilt. About feeling guilty.” He swallowed. “After you do it.”

The man next to him laughed. “Hah! You already _had sex._ That's amazing.” He clapped his shoulder. “Good for you, Burnsides.”

“Yeah, no, it was great, I just...”

Karen leaned forward. “Did you feel guilty after?”

“I...no,” he said. “No, I didn't. And I think that was the weird part. Like I could rationalize wanting to have sex, it's been a while, but I really thought I was going to feel... _bad_ after, and I just...I didn't.”

Karen nodded. “Okay. Can we talk about that? Why should you feel guilty?”

“Because it hasn't been a year.”

“It's almost been a year.”

“Right, yeah. Yeah, I know, I just...shouldn't I _not_ want to have sex? Like shouldn't I want to wait until I'm not grieving anymore?”

“You could be grieving for a long time,” Karen said. “It could take years. Do you want to wait years before you're intimate again?”

“He already _was,_ ” the man said. “That's so great.”

“Magnus.” Karen brought his attention back. “I think the big question here is did you...I mean, did you enjoy it?”

“...Yeah.”

“And do you feel guilty today?”

“...No.”

“Then maybe you're--”

The door to the room opened slowly and Ellen, the woman in charge of the entire group, stuck her head in. “Sorry to interrupt. Magnus, can I speak with you?”

Magnus felt his stomach twist, but he nodded and stood, following Ellen out of the room. “Everything okay?” he asked. He looked past her – Angus was sitting in another room, alone, staring at the floor. “ _Hey_ , what the hell--”

“I'm going to need you to take Angus home,” she said calmly. “You know we have a three-strike system. The first time, it's a warning within the group. The second time, it's a talk with me. The third time, you have to go. Unfortunately, Angus hit his third strike tonight.”

“...What happened?”

“He threw a chair.”

“ _A chair?_ Did he _hurt_ someone--”

“No. He threw it at the wall. Before that he was yelling. I spoke with him, he said he would calm down, but that didn't happen. _Magnus._ ” He looked at her. “This isn't the first night I've had to speak with him. It's not my policy to talk about it with families, but the last few meetings have been difficult for Angus to get through. Has he talked with you about this?”

Magnus shook his head. “No. He just...he said he loves coming here.”

“I'm glad he feels that way. Tonight just...doesn't seem to be his night.”

Magnus nodded. “Okay. Well...thank you. For telling me. I'll have a talk with him.”

Ellen sighed. “I think this goes beyond a talk, Magnus.” She reached for a folder and handed it to him. “I keep a list of professionals in town prepared for our families. I think you should try a few out, have Angus speak to someone.” Magnus took it. “We are not group therapy, Magnus. We facilitate the grieving process. We do as _much_ as we can, but Angus is struggling with something that we are not equipped to deal with.” She pressed her lips together. “I'd like you both to take a break from group and focus on your process one on one.”

Magnus swallowed. “He...he really likes coming here.”

“I know. But he could have hurt one of the other children or one of my facilitators tonight. And that is not acceptable. I hope you understand,” she added, before she left the room.

Magnus stared into the room where Angus sat. He didn't look dangerous, and he didn't look angry. Magnus gripped the folder tight in one hand and opened the door. Angus looked up, his cheeks suddenly flushed with shame.

“I'm really sorry, dad. I'm really, _really_ sorry, I won't do it again, I won't, I swear--”

Magnus reached out and pulled him in, holding him close. “I know,” he said quietly. “It's okay.”

“I'm so sorry, I'm _sorry_ \--”

“You don't have to be. You didn't do anything wrong.”

“I just got so mad, I couldn't stop myself--”

“It's okay. Angus, bud--” And without thinking Magnus stooped down and lifted him up, cradling him against his chest. Angus's arms and legs wrapped around him tight as he sobbed, trembling in Magnus's arms. “ _It's okay._ ”

“ _Please don't be mad_.”

“I'm not,” Magnus said, kissing his cheek. “I'm not mad at all.” He sighed. “Let's go home.”

“Okay.” Angus unwound himself and Magnus put him down.

“You wanna stop and get a milk shake?”

“...Yeah.”

“Alright.” Magnus put a hand on Angus's shoulder and held him close as they headed out of the church and to the truck. “I'm gonna get strawberry,” he said. “What about you?”

“Um, peanut butter and chocolate.”

“Peanut butter and chocolate. That's a good mix.”

Angus sniffed. “Mom liked mint chocolate chip.”

“She did,” Magnus said, opening the passenger door. “You wanna get one of those, too? Drink it for her?” Angus considered this, then nodded. “Alright. Looks like we're having shakes for dinner tonight, huh?” He leaned forward and kissed Angus's forehead. “Buckle up, kiddo,” he said, and shut the door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from "storm song" by phildel


	6. heart shaped like a blessing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angus knew his dad had gotten rid of her clothes, but he caught him running his hands over their stacks of records almost... _lovingly_ sometimes, so he didn't worry about losing that part of her. Clothes were clothes, he could reason – even if it meant he'd never see her favorite purple dress again, or be able to press his cheek against the soft blue sweater she wore on the coldest mornings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like i'm starting to wind toward some kind of conclusion? like i think shit's about to hit the fan.

_and now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me_  
_you're what I couldn't find_  
_a totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind_  
_you're everything to me_

 

* * *

 

Lucretia tried to promise herself, after the first time, they would take it slower. Magnus was a widower, his son was incredibly emotional, and she was not exactly equipped to handle all of this at once.

She met him for lunch one day to discuss this, to say that she didn't want to pressure him into anything, that she was more than willing to put it all to the side, to just be _friends_ before the benefits kicked in –

Then she wound up bringing him back to her condo and letting him fuck her over the kitchen table.

After that, all hope of taking it slow was pretty much lost.

One particular afternoon he brought to her at her office. “Seems quiet,” he said, glancing around.

Lucretia was facing her desk, sorting through files and searching for something Barry had emailed her about. “Lup and Barry are out of town for the week. He has a conference on the coast and she's going to lock herself into a bungalow and write for seventy-two hours straight--” She felt his broad hands grasp her hips and pull her toward him. “Magnus.”

“So you're _alone_ in your big, big office building.”

She turned. “It would seem that way.”

He ducked his head and kissed her neck. Magnus was never subtle about when he wanted her. If he wanted to have sex, he said so. If he wanted to go down on her, then he asked if it was alright. So she wasn't surprised when he gave her thighs a squeeze and asked carefully, “Can I fuck you here?”

Lucretia nodded, reaching over the desk for her purse and pulling out a condom before pressing it into his hand.

“Preparedness. I like it.”

“You have terrible habits,” she muttered, but didn't argue when he licked his thumb and slid it under the waistband of her underwear to circle her clit. “ _Oh_ \--”

“Up you get,” he murmured, and she settled on the edge of her desk, spreading his legs to give him better access. Eventually he drew his cock out from his unbuttoned jeans and rolled the condom over his length, drawing her closer so she could wrap her legs around his waist as he shoved her underwear to the side and slid into her in one go.

It was quiet and quick. He could drag it out if he wanted to, he'd done so just to prove a point the week before. But they were busy and he needed to _feel_ so – he came with a groan and a promise that he'd make her come later, if she wanted.

“If I can come over,” he added.

“Yeah. Is Angus--”

“Staying at Merle's. He and Mavis are building some lego set, he didn't give me the details.” Magnus cleaned himself up and kissed her. “Will, uh. Will you make yourself come for me? After I'm gone?”

“...Here?”

“Yeah.” He finished buttoning his jeans and reached out to stroke her arms. “Just...thinkin' about you in this big office, alone...thinkin' of me.”

“Who said I'd be doing _that?_ ”

He laughed and kissed the corner of her mouth. “I guess you don't have to,” he said, and went to get his keys.

But she would be. And they both knew it.

That night he came by and it was hours before she even managed to touch him. He kept her on the edge, made her come so many times that she eventually had to ask him to stop. When he finally fucked her it was long and drawn out, every lazy roll of his hips striking the perfect chord. Lucretia hadn't been with someone so focused, someone so _fixated_ before she was with Magnus. It made her wonder what he'd been like, what kind of lover he'd started as, to grow into the one he was now.

“I mean,” she said. “How many did it take to get, you know. _This_ good.”

He _laughed_ , shaking with it and kissing her forehead. “I, uh, didn't realize you liked it so much.”

“Yes you did.”

“That's true,” he said. “You're very noisy.” She raised a brow and Magnus sighed. “Uh, just the one, actually.” He toyed with a loose thread dangling from the hem of the sheet. “Julia was my first. She...was my only.”

Lucretia felt herself stiffen the way she always did when he talked about Julia. It was visceral, she couldn't help herself. It was like she had intruded on something sacred, stepped somewhere she didn't belong.

The realization that Magnus had never been with anyone else before or after was something _raw._ She didn't know what to say.

“Hey.” He put his hand under her chin, lifting her gaze. “Don't get like that. You promised.”

Lucretia nodded. She kissed him and when he asked she let him fuck her again, slow and careful, while he dragged his teeth along her collarbone. But for the first time, she wasn't there, and it wasn't very good, so he decided to go home. Feeling guilty, she kissed him before he could get out the door.

“Kravitz and Taako are having another party next week. You should come, bring Angus.”

“What day?”

“Thursday.”

Magnus toyed with his keys. “Yeah, uh, I can't. That day.”

“Oh.”

“It's just...it's...” He rubbed the back of his neck. “It'll be a year, next Thursday. Angus and I are taking the day.”

Lucretia felt a lump grow in her throat. “Right. Of course.”

“I should probably...probably not meet you this week,” he said. “I just...Angus is seeing his new therapist, and I need to be there for him if he needs me.”

“No, absolutely.” She put a hand on his chest, feeling better when he reached up to cover it with his own. “I...completely understand.”

“Hey.” He leaned in and kissed her. “What...what we're doing matters to me. Okay? I like spending time with you.”

Lucretia nodded. “I like spending time with you.” She gave his hand a squeeze and opened the door.

“I'll call you,” he said, before pressing one last kiss to her forehead and heading into the cold.

 

* * *

 

Angus felt a sturdy hand on his shoulder, carefully shaking him awake. He glanced at his clock and groaned. “S'early,” he muttered, pushing Magnus's hand away.

“I know.” His dad reached out and carded a hand through his hair. “Listen. I thought...I thought you could stay home today. If you want.”

Angus opened one eye as his brain slowly caught on to what was happening. Today was _Thursday_. Magnus started to draw back, but Angus reached out and grabbed him. “I want to,” he said.

Magnus nodded. “Okay. We'll take the day, you and me. What do you think?”

“Yeah.”

“Great. We'll, uh. We'll get lunch and...we'll go see mom.” He looked down. “Maybe we can get some stuff for Candlenights or something. Get a tree and the candles to go in the window. Really...really do it up this year.”

Angus swallowed. “Mom loved Candlenights.”

“Yeah. Yeah, she did. Man, we totally missed it last year, didn't we?” He laughed. Last year they'd been in a haze – the holidays had passed them up, hadn't even bothered lingering on their empty house.

(Angus didn't _know_ Candlenights without his mom. He didn't understand it.)

“You can go back to bed if you want,” Magnus said. Then: “You could also get up and help me make pancakes. Maybe put together some of mom's blueberry syrup?” Angus nodded, kicking off his blankets and hauling himself out of bed. Magnus kissed the top of his head. “Okay. Meet you downstairs.”

Angus waited until the door was shut before getting ready. Today had to be...perfect, he reasoned. He sifted through his clothes, looking for the right thing to wear before he got a quick shower.

In the corner of his room, Angus kept a CD player he'd gotten for Candlenights when he was nine. He didn't have a lot of CD's to go with it, but the majority were mixes he'd made for himself over the years. A few of them were mixes from his mom. Carefully, he lifted the last one she'd made him out of its case and hit play.

Julia Burnsides's music tastes were...eclectic at best. She'd maintained a record collection since she was a little girl, and it had gone wherever she had. When she and Magnus had married, their collections merged. Angus knew his dad had gotten rid of her clothes, but he caught him running his hands over their stacks of records almost... _lovingly_ sometimes, so he didn't worry about losing that part of her. Clothes were clothes, he could reason – even if it meant he'd never see her favorite purple dress again, or be able to press his cheek against the soft blue sweater she wore on the coldest mornings.

(He could still bury his nose into her yellow cardigan, the one she wore every year on the first day of school, the one that Magnus called her sunshine sweater, the one she'd wrapped around him when he came in from the rain sometimes. It lived in his closet, stashed under his own meager record collection, there when he needed it, easy for him to slip into sometimes late at night when sleep wouldn't come and he _missed her so much_ – )

He pulled on _her_ favorite sweater of his – all knitted black with cream colored stars – and leaned his head against the wall by the stereo.

( _I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feelin' it even more, because it came from you_ )

If he closed his eyes, he could see her folding laundry or grading papers, her foot shaking to the beat, humming along until the song hit the chorus –

He sang softly to himself, “Oh my life, is changing every day, in every possible way...” Angus took a breath. His new therapist was teaching him to relax when things started to be Too Much. She'd told him he might feel that way on the anniversary, that he might want to shout and be angry and afraid.

She told him that was fine, that it was normal, that he hadn't done anything wrong –

(And he thought about his dad's face when he'd stepped into the room, looking _broken_ , just a bit, and Angus realized he'd been the one to do that, he'd been the one to go too far, to break the rules and _break_ his dad – )

 _I'm not mad_ , Magnus had said.

Angus swallowed.

 _I am_ , he'd wanted to say. But his dad already knew that.

His dad knew everything.

 

* * *

 

They had burgers and tots at Lindy's downtown. Magnus let him get a root beer float, and they sat in the park after, trading it back and forth, pointing out birds they were starting to forget the names of.

“Mom knew them all,” Angus said.

“Yeah, she was good at that.” Magnus passed him the cup with the last bit of ice cream in the bottom, and Angus scooped it out. “When we first met, she knew all these tree names. She was studying botany for a while, before she switched to English.”

“Why'd she change?”

Magnus sighed. “Dunno. She wanted to write, too. And teach. She did a lot of things back then that she never really explained to me. But your mom always knew what she wanted, so I didn't ask a lot of questions. She was the thinker.”

“And the doer.”

“That's right.” Magnus ruffled his hair.

“Mom said you...you were an artist, before.”

Magnus looked out across the park. He didn't talk a lot about what he'd wanted to do before he ran the shop. Angus had grandparents from his dad's side he'd never known – they'd died when Magnus was eighteen in an accident. His mom told Angus that whatever money they'd been giving him had to go toward paying for the funerals and a lot of other adult stuff Angus didn't understand.

After that, no more art school.

It was a story Angus had heard a lot, but never from his dad. Eleven years of being a family, and Angus had never heard Magnus speak about the things he'd done before. About the dreams he used to have.

“...Dad?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I was.” He scrubbed a hand over his mouth. “I used to be in art school, but that...that was a long time ago. Way before we found you.”

“...You could go back.”

Magnus laughed. “No,” he said. “I couldn't do that.” His tone didn't invite argument, so Angus looked down into his cup and tipped it back to drain the last of the root beer. They sat in silence for a while, until Magnus stood and said carefully, “You wanna go see her?”

Angus nodded. They didn't go very often – once on her birthday, and Angus knew Magnus went without him sometimes, though he didn't take it personally. Honestly, he wasn't sure he _wanted_ to go at all, but the day wasn't just for him, and maybe...maybe going would fix him, a little.

He felt broken all the time, now.

 

* * *

 

She was buried in one of the smaller graveyards in town. They never really ran into anyone, and it was bitterly cold when they stepped out, colder than it seemed to have been earlier. Angus chalked it up to the statue of the Raven Queen that stood outside the gates – her face cast in shadow gave him chills. Angus clutched the flowers they'd stopped to get her in one hand, his dad's hand in the other.

This was where Magnus's parents were buried. Grandpa Stephen was buried in Raven's Roost, but Raven's Roost was incredibly far. Julia had wanted to be buried here.

Her headstone was simple – _Julia Burnsides, mother, wife, daughter, educator_ – but it was... _everything_ to Angus. He knelt down and set the roses they'd brought in front of it. They wouldn't last, but he couldn't fathom not bringing her something, even if her favorite flower had been peonies. They didn't just sell those.

“You wanna say something?” Magnus asked. Angus shook his head. “Well. We'll stay as long as you'd like,” he said, and stooped down to kiss the top of his head.

They stood there for half an hour. Sometimes Angus would remember something, or his dad would tell a story. After a while, he started to shiver, so Magnus suggested they head home, make her favorite dinner, and watch a movie.

 

* * *

 

“Dad?” Angus looked up from his pasta. He'd been wondering for a while – “When can I go back to group?”

Magnus said firmly, “When Dr. Sloane says you can.” He looked up. “Do you not like her? We've seen three different ones, bud. If you don't want to see her, we'll find someone else.”

“No, I like her. She just...asks a lot of questions.”

“She's trying to help you.”

“What if I'm fine now, though?”

Magnus seemed to consider this. “Okay,” he said. “You ask Dr. Sloane next Wednesday if she thinks you're ready to go back to group. She says yes, we'll stop seeing her then and there. Deal?”

“Deal.” Angus scooped the last of his pasta into his mouth. “May I be excused?”

Magnus frowned. “I thought we were gonna watch a movie.”

Angus didn't like it that his dad made that face, that he was sort of _hurt_ – but he had to do something that was his own, tonight. “I'm kinda tired,” he said. “I...wanted to read.”

Magnus's expression shifted. “Shit, yeah. Yeah, of course. I'm sorry, I didn't even think...it's been a long day, huh?” Angus nodded. “Sure, bud. Plate in the sink.”

Angus did as he was told, washed his hands, and ran upstairs.

His dad wouldn't bother him the rest of the night – if the door was shut and locked, then that meant no talking. It was an unspoken arrangement. Angus turned the lock and leaned against the door, taking a few calming breaths. He turned the lights down, leaving only the salt lamp he'd bought with his allowance over the summer. Angus had read that they were supposed to be relaxing, to clear the air of toxins and bad energy. He didn't know how much stock he put into stuff like that, but there _was_ something calming about the soft pink light that eased out of the lamp.

Angus reached into his closet, fishing until he found his mother's yellow cardigan, and tugged it on. It was losing its scent – they didn't buy their old detergent anymore. Wasn't even something they agreed on. Magnus just...stopped buying it. It was still soft, though, with delicate flowers embroidered into the collar. Angus wrapped himself in it before settling on the floor by his stereo and putting on his headphones.

_I never felt magic crazy as this, I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea, I never held emotion in the palm of my hand..._

He closed his eyes, and he could, if he remembered hard enough, see his mother making breakfast, crooning into a wooden spoon, giving him a spin. He could see his dad coming in, hands sliding over her hips, drawing her in for a kiss as Angus pretended to gag over his pancakes.

“Someday you'll be in love,” he'd said.

“ _Never._ ”

His mother slid a stack of pancakes onto his plate and kissed his forehead. “You never know, do you?”

Angus gripped the edge of the sweater tighter around him, and let the song play again.

 

* * *

 

Downstairs, Magnus set a record on the turntable and stretched out on the sofa.

_Wanna dance?_

He opened one eye, and he could see her, clear as day.

_Come on, big guy. One dance before you go._

Magnus smiled, closed his eyes again.

Imagined the feel of her hands slipping into his own, and then gently fading away.

 

* * *

 

Lucretia didn't ask how that Thursday had gone, and Magnus didn't offer. After the last time they'd met, she thought it might be awkward, seeing him over a week later –

But he kissed her, and he fucked her, and he made her _laugh_. So Lucretia didn't worry.

(Well – sometimes she worried.)

He stroked a thumb over her forehead one afternoon, lazily kissing her temple. “You're so beautiful.”

“Magnus, _stop._ ”

“I mean that.” He rolled and settled between her legs, dropping his mouth to her neck. “Why don't you like to hear it?”

“I do.”

“Every time I say it you get weird.” He drew back. “Why?”

“I'm not being weird. I don't. I don't get weird.” She pushed him and he rolled back. “It's fine.”

“Clearly, it's not.”

Lucretia sighed. “I don't know, maybe it's because I just...can't be sure where this is going.”

Magnus sat up. “We agreed it was just...what it is.”

“Right. It's sex. But it's not just sex if you...if you tell me I'm beautiful and you call me when you're upset and you need to talk. I _told_ you Magnus. I am not a coping mechanism, and you promised you wouldn't—”

“Why are you getting angry about this now?” He pushed the blanket back and shook his head. “I don't get you sometimes. You want to fuck, but you don't want the other stuff that comes with it?”

“You've _never_ had someone like this before, Magnus. All of your sex was...was emotive. It was about _love_. Can you tell me you're in love with me?”

“That's not fair, and you know it--”

“I asked you not to treat me like therapy.”

He ran his hands through his hair. “Okay. _Okay._ So this is just _fun_ for you then? You didn't ask me to come over here today? _You_ weren't the one who called and said you were working from home and had some free time and I could swing by if I was in the neighborhood?”

“You _weren't_.”

“I work _two minutes from here!_ ”

Lucretia scowled. She _was_ the one who'd asked. She _was_ the one who'd been lonely and thinking about Barry and Lup and how they were happy, how she'd been the only single person at Kravitz's party last week. How she couldn't tell anyone that she was sort of seeing someone, because not only was it a secret, but it was also a lie.

Magnus wasn't...her anything.

And she wasn't anything to him.

“Maybe we should stop,” he said quietly.

Lucretia felt her face flush. She didn't _want_ that. “Why?”

“I don't know. It's...keeping this from Angus is _killing_ me inside.”

“Then tell him.”

“I...can't. I can't do that.”

She shrugged. “Why not?”

Magnus pointed. “Okay, _you_ do not have a kid, _or_ a kid who just lost his mother. So you don't get to lecture me.”

“Don't throw that at me,” she snapped. “I can't change anything, I can't make it better. It's not my fault you're upset, or that Angus is always angry. If you don't like keeping secrets then _don't keep them._ ”

“You _don't_ understand--”

“Then _talk to me_ , Magnus.” She went around the bed to him, grabbing his hands. “If you want the other things that come with this, then you have to let me _in_.”

He pushed her hands away. “I can't do that.”

“Can't or won't?”

“What's the difference?” he asked, and started getting dressed. “Maybe this was a mistake, I don't know, maybe--” He stopped, tugging his phone out of his pocket with a frown. “Hello?” Lucretia shook her head and started looking for her blouse when she heard him say quietly, “Is he okay?” She turned.

“Magnus--”

He held up a hand. “Did he hurt someone...okay. Okay that's fine. Yeah just...let me talk to him. I'll come get him right now.” He yanked his sweater on. “Hey bud, _hey._ It's okay, it's fine...no I'm not mad. Do we need to count? We can count, would that make it better?” He listened for a minute. “Okay. I'm coming to get you. It's alright. I love you, it's okay.” He hung up and looked for his shoes. “I have to go.”

“...Okay.”

Magnus sighed. “I...I don't want to fight with you. I care about you, I like being with you.”

“Maybe we need a new set of ground rules,” Lucretia suggested.

“Yeah...yeah maybe.” He pressed his lips together. She thought he might kiss her, but he didn't, and she didn't walk him out. She stood still in her bedroom, blouse clasped to her chest, waiting for the door to slam.

 

* * *

 

His son had had a panic attack. When Magnus got to the school, Angus was sitting in the principal's office, trembling, clutching a bottle of water. He nearly vaulted over the chair when Magnus came into the room, sobbing into his jacket.

“ _I'm sorry, I'm sorry_ \--”

“Hey, it's okay.” Magnus smoothed his hair and kissed his forehead. “Don't apologize, it's alright.” He pulled back. “I'm gonna figure out what happened.” Angus opened his mouth to explain, but Magnus shushed him. “No. It's okay.” He stood and the principal gave him a nod before following him into the hall. Magnus rounded on him. “ _What the hell happened Leon?_ ”

“Magnus, _please._ ” He led them further away. “It was just...it was a misunderstanding.”

“A _misunderstanding?_ Look, I get it, my kid clocked someone and he shouldn't have done that, alright? But if you think for a second that I'm gonna let some punk walk around this school giving my son a hard time because his _mother died_ , then you are gonna be seeing a whole lot more of me--”

“Magnus. No one was bothering Angus. He was in biology, and there was...an incident.”

“What--”

“They're covering brain development this quarter, I can't tell you what it's all about. All I gathered is there was...something mentioned about...about aneurysms. The teacher mentioned that most people who suffer from them don't even make it to the hospital. Angus became upset. He...he seems to not understand all the circumstances around Julia's death.” Leon put a hand on Magnus's arm. “Have you...been honest with him? About how she died?”

“I don't understand.”

Leon sighed. “He was shouting, Ms. Pearson asked him to calm down, but he became very upset. He...had a panic attack in class, it was very upsetting for the other students.”

“I'm sure.”

“Magnus.” He looked up. “Angus is not well.”

“Don't lecture me on this, Leon. _Don't._ It's been hard enough.”

“Angus mentioned he was seeing a therapist one-on-one. Did...did the group not work out?”

Magnus swallowed. “There was an incident.”

“An incident.”

“Look, we're taking care of this.”

Leon nodded. “And I believe you. But you're going to have to take this seriously over the Candlenights break. I've spoken with Angus's teachers, they're willing to send his work home and allow him to come in to take his final exams, maybe in the library. But we think Angus...really needs some time to heal.”

“What the hell do you think I've been doing--”

“Magnus. This is not a seminar on your abilities as a parent. Everyone knows you're doing your best, we've tried to be nothing but supportive since Julia died, but there is a limit to what we can handle!”

_Angus is struggling with something that we are not equipped to deal with._

Magnus nodded. “Okay. I'll...I'll talk it over with him.”

“It makes sense, Magnus. The anniversary was hard for us, I can only imagine what it's been like for you and Angus.”

“Right.” He smiled. “Uh, thanks, Leon. Sorry for...shouting.” He turned and went back into the office. “Come on, bud. Let's get going.”

Angus nodded and slid off the chair. A few feet from the truck though, he stopped, and wouldn't budge.

“Angus--”

“Did mom die at the hospital?”

Magnus turned. “What?”

“You told me mom died at the hospital. Ms. Pearson said most people don't live that long.” He looked at Magnus. “Did she die in the truck, dad?”

Magnus went and knelt in front of him. There were things he shouldn't have been hiding. Things he felt guilty over keeping from his son.

This was not one of them.

“She died at the hospital. I carried her there, and she was on a stretcher. They tried to save her, but they couldn't. Your mother made it all the way there, Angus. She held on for as _long_ as she could. And that is the truth.” Magnus pulled him close.

It could have all come out, right there.

Every truth –

_There's this woman, you know her, you have to meet her the right way._

_Before you, we almost gave up on each other, but you saved us._

It could have just...been said.

But Magnus lied, because Angus was his son, and there were some things in this world that needed to be protected still.

And Angus got into the truck and didn't say another word.

Magnus didn't sleep easy that night – he rarely did anymore – but this was the right choice, no matter what anyone said.

There were just some things in the world people were better off not knowing. This was one of them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from "dreams" by the cranberries


	7. moon jelly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Angus reached a little further, he could touch a place where her feet had been. If he closed his eyes he could imagine her there.
> 
> If he took deep breaths, he could relax the frantic beating of his heart, and imagine himself living without her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one chapter and an epilogue left!

_i am lost trying to get found in an ocean of people_  
_please don't ask me any questions,there won't be a valid answer_

 

* * *

 

The deal Magnus had made with Angus was that if he had to see a therapist, then Magnus had to see someone as well. That was fine by Magnus, who liked Hurley a lot, and found her very easy to talk to. The singular issue they ran into was that she could see through Magnus's shit in a good ten seconds flat, and these days Magnus was sort of full of shit.

So it was becoming a problem.

“How've you been since we last met, Magnus?”

He sighed. “Not...terrible. Not great, either.”

Hurley nodded. “Did you want to talk about that?”

Magnus settled in. He talked about going to the school and picking up Angus, about deciding to keep him out of school until after the Candlenights break.

“I mean...I guess that's the right decision.”

“It was yours, so have a little confidence, Magnus. You're a good father.” Magnus nodded. “Did you want to talk about your relationship with--” She checked her notes. “Lucretia, right?”

“Yeah. That's...I don't know what's going on with that.”

“You haven't talked to Angus yet about it.” Magnus shook his head. “Talk to me about that choice.” She leaned forward. “Have you thought about telling him?”

“I have.”

“What's stopping you?”

“I don't...want to upset him.”

Hurley nodded. “You think Angus will be angry?”

“It's only been a year, and I don't...I don't _love_ Lucretia.”

“Do you have feelings for her?”

Magnus shrugged. “I mean, sure, I care about her. She's...she's kind, she's great to be around.” He sighed. “I'm not...I'm not _thinking_ about dating. It's just...”

“Sex.”

“Right.”

Hurley nodded. “So if Angus found out tomorrow, how do you think he'd react?”

“...Not great.”

She made a note. “Why do you think you haven't told him? Is there something about the relationship you're ashamed of or--”

“No! No, I'm not ashamed of Lucretia. She's great. I mean, sometimes I wish I'd told Angus right away, I think he'd really enjoy spending time with her.” He leaned forward. “I don't know I guess I just...I mean maybe this is really selfish, but it's like...like I have something that's sort of...mine. Not like _Lucretia_ belongs to me but--”

“The feeling,” Hurley supplied.

“Right. Like...how I feel when I'm with her or...or when I'm planning to be with her. It's like something I haven't felt in so long, and I don't have to share it with someone. It's mine. And hers, I guess.”

“Sure. You and Angus have other feelings you share. It's nice to have something that's separate from that. You're an adult, Magnus. You're allowed to want that.”

“ _It is_ selfish. Isn't it?”

Hurley shook her head. “No, but even if it were that wouldn't make it wrong.”

He sighed. “Do you...think I should tell Angus?”

“It doesn't matter what I think right now Magnus.”

“Come on,” he said. “Get...get real with me.”

Hurley considered him before she reached up and pulled off her glasses. “Alright, Magnus. I think you haven't properly grieved for your wife. I think she died and you threw everything you had into proving you could raise Angus on your own. I think your feelings for Lucretia surprised you, but if you tell yourself that it's just physical, then it means you don't really have to confront them. I think Angus's outbursts scare you, because you're not any more equipped to handle them than his teachers are. I think both of you have come to a serious halt in your grieving process and you're suffering for it.” She put her glasses back on and made a few notes before glancing up at him.

“Is that real enough for you, Magnus?”

He swallowed. Nodded. “Yeah, doc. That's...that's real.”

Hurley sighed. “Look. You came here to get help for Angus, and I know talking to me is a part of the deal, but Magnus... _you_ are hurting.”

“I'm okay.”

“No,” Hurley. “You're _not._ And it's fine that you're not. You can't...keep taking the big emotional hits for your family anymore. When was the last time you cried, Magnus?”

“I don't need to cry.”

“When was the last time you told someone what you were really _feeling?_ ”

“You. Five minutes ago.”

“ _Magnus._ ”

He sighed, leaning back in his chair. “I don't...I don't _know_.”

“...When you think about her, Magnus, what does it make you _feel?_ ”

Magnus closed his eyes.

Julia was _everything_ , until they found Angus. She had seeped into the parts of his life that he hadn't expected, and when things had started getting rocky, the year before they adopted, he wondered how he'd ever get her out, if she left.

But she didn't. Not then. She stuck around when his parents died, when he dropped out of art school. She stuck around when it turned out Magnus was the reason they couldn't have kids. She stuck around and never let him blame himself, even when he was _angry_ and he was _scared_ – just like Angus now. Julia could have taken off – hell, she almost did.

But she stayed. And Angus came into their lives and things only got better.

And Magnus thought, _We could do this forever. Be happy. Be a family._

He wasn't...aware of himself that night. He didn't know that she was already gone, by the time he brought her into the hospital. She was still so warm, she was still _his_ – it wasn't fair that she could just leave so easily.

Without saying goodbye.

“Magnus.”

He looked up. Hurley was handing him a box of tissues.

“Sorry,” he said.

“It's okay.” She took off her glasses again. “I think being honest with Angus would be a really big step for you. Keep the situation under control, do it somewhere familiar. Let him feel angry, if he needs it.”

“Right.”

“Do it on your terms, and I think it'll go really well,” she said.

Magnus smiled. For some reason – he just didn't believe that.

 

* * *

 

Lucretia sat at her desk, flipping through a contract faxed over from the publisher. All of Lup's hard work the past few months was about to pay off. A new book, a new protagonist – a gift, she'd said.

“For Angus?” Lup nodded. Lucretia smiled. Angus and Magnus had certainly made their mark on all of them. She ignored the twisted in her gut, and the pinprick of pain that started in her shoulder when she remembered the way Magnus had looked at her.

 _Maybe we should stop_.

Like she could want that now. Now that she...now that her _heart_ –

“ _We're here!_ ” Angus threw open the doors and ran in. Lucretia saw him less than Lup did, but she'd never seen him _smile_ the way he did right then. Magnus laughed as he came in after him, a gentle, _easy, bud_ , following him.

Lup came around the corner and Angus ran at her, throwing his arms around her. “You made it!”

“Is the telescope here?”

“It is! Barry's upstairs, he's got it all ready for you.” Lup stood. “Mags, you want to see?”

“I'm okay,” he said, and waved a paperback at her.

“Alright.” She smiled and put a hand on Angus's shoulder. “Come on, dude. You're gonna love this thing.” She led him down the back hall toward the stairs to Barry's lab. Lucretia watched them go, then went back to her desk, standing at the edge and sorting through a few things. She felt Magnus come closer, but didn't look up.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi.” She kept searching.

“You need some help?”

“No,” she said, finally looking at him. “I don't.”

He sighed. “Lu--”

“Don't _Lu_ me,” she said quietly. “I'm...I'm sorry we fought, Magnus. But I'm not ready to have things go back the way they were. Not without talking about it.”

“No, that's fair.” He sat at the chair in front of her desk. “I...I want things to keep going.” He toyed with the corner of his book. “I want to...try for something bigger.”

Lucretia stared, perching on the edge of her desk. “...Do you mean that?”

“Not just yet, but...yeah.”

She took a breath. “What does that mean for us, then?”

Magnus shrugged. “Don't know. I'm not...ready for a commitment. I have to deal with things I've been avoiding. I have to...work through this process. But I know that I have to be honest with Angus, and you. And...myself,” he added. He reached out and took her hand. “I have these feelings for you. They're...weird and complicated, mostly because everything in my life is weird and complicated.” They both laughed, and he traced the hills of her knuckles with his thumb. “Thank you,” he said, “for being there for me.”

“I'd do it again,” she said. “Over and over.”

“I appreciate that.” He stood and reached out to cup her cheek, before he leaned down to kiss her. It was chaste, just the barest brush of lips before he drew back and smiled, her hand still in his. They'd been together so many times, but the way he _kissed_ her was still –

“...Dad?”

Magnus let go of her like she was _fire_ , nearly tripping on the chair he'd been sitting in. “Angus!”

Angus and Lup were standing at the end of the hall, staring. Lucretia felt her stomach _knot._

“What...what are you doing?”

“Uh, nothing. I'm not...it's nothing. I'm not doing--” He looked around, panicked, and pointed toward the hall. “You're already done! That was quick--”

“Dad.” Angus stepped closer, looking between them. “Are you...are you _with_ her?”

Magnus shook his head. “No, no. I'm not with her, it's not...it's not anything. It's nothing--”

Lucretia looked at him sharply. “ _What?_ ”

He glanced at her. “Not _now_ \--”

Angus pointed. “You told me. You _promised_ \--”

“I know, I know I promised, and I was going to tell you tonight, I swear--” Angus suddenly ran forward and _shoved_ him, and Magnus stumbled back. He straightened, and the look on his face was...nothing Lucretia had ever seen before. She wondered if that sort of pain had even been named. “ _Don't_ ,” he said.

Angus _snarled._ “You _lied_. You told me if you met someone you'd _tell me_ , you _promised!_ ”

“Angus, it's not as simple as that--”

“It's complicated,” he said. “Right? Like how mom died? It's complicated and confusing and I don't deserve to know--”

Magnus stepped closer. “Angus I didn't say that, _please--_.”

“No! You're a liar! You...you _both are!_ ” He turned to Lup, who flinched.

“Angus--”

“ _You_ promised me everything was going to be okay, but it's not! Everything...everything _sucks._ Everything is _shit_ \--”

“Angus, I just--”

“You just didn't want to see me _sad_ ,” he said. “You said it so _you'd_ feel better about _me_ being upset! Well tough _shit_ \--”

“We're leaving,” Magnus said quickly. “Come on.” He pointed to the door. “We will have this conversation at home.”

“Oh, like all the _other_ conversations we have?”

Magnus scrubbed a hand over his face. “Angus. You have until the count of five to get into that truck.”

“I'm not going _anywhere_ with you.”

“Then I'll _carry_ you--”

“ _Don't touch me!_ ” Angus ducked out of the way, but Magnus was too quick. “No! Put me down, _put me down!_ ” He beat his hands on Magnus's back, screaming. “ _I hate you, put me down!_ ” Magnus endured the thrashing, carrying Angus to the truck and carefully setting him in the passenger seat and buckling him in. Angus was still screaming, beating his hands on the window – sobbing.

Lucretia felt _gut punched._ She and Lup followed them out, and Magnus stopped, keys gripped tight in his hand.

“I'm sorry,” he said, and looked right at her. “...About everything.”

Lucretia understood, intimately, that he was not apologizing for Angus.

When they'd gone, Lup turned to her. “...Lucretia. What _happened?_ ”

“I...”

“Are you...do you _love him?_ ”

“No! No, I don't, I just...we were--”

Lup put a hand on her shoulder. “Tea,” she said firmly. “Let's have tea.” She guided her into the office. Lucretia told her everything, from the kiss after the party up to their fight last week. Lup only nodded and listened, making the proper noises and expressions, stroking Lucretia's hand. After, she sighed and said, “Well this is a proper mess we made.”

“Oh, you didn't--”

“No. I...I helped. I kept telling him that things would get better.” Lup ran a hand through her hair. “He's right. I couldn't stand to see him sad. It broke my heart.” She sighed. “How do we make this better?”

Lucretia shook her head. “I don't think we do.”

 

* * *

 

The second Magnus shut the truck off, Angus bolted for the house. It was a miracle that he caught him before he ran up the stairs.

“Angus, we need to talk--”

“No, we _don't._ We could have talked but you _lied_ to me, you...you kept things from me!” Angus wrenched his hand from Magnus's grip. “Mom _never_ kept things from me.”

His words _cut_ , and Magnus felt something... _snap._

He turned and pointed, and he couldn't really _stop_ himself – “Well, tough _shit_ because I'm not your mom. She's gone, so you're _stuck_ with me.”

Angus clenched his fists. “I _hate_ you,” he said.

“Yeah, yeah, I've already heard it.”

“I _hate you!_ ”

“ _Stop it!_ ” Magnus threw his hands in the air. “I get it, you hate me! I'm not so crazy about myself right now either, so if that's all you've got to say, then get upstairs and don't come down until you can come up with something better.”

“Then I guess I'll just stay up there forever!”

“Fine by me!” Magnus shouted as he disappeared. He reached for a kitchen chair with a trembling hand. “That's...that's fine,” he said. “This is fine.” He scrubbed a hand over his face, flinching when he heard Angus's door slam shut.

He'd made such a fucking _mess_ of all this, what was he supposed to do now?

When he and Angus had fought, Julia always knew how to fix things. But she was gone, and he was alone.

He was so _alone._

A hand settled on his shoulder. “...Jules?” He looked up.

Carey sighed. “No, doofus. It's me.”

Magnus nodded. “Right.”

“I saw you guys go in and I...heard the yelling.”

“Great. I'm sure Mrs. Braverman next door will bring it up in the next HOA meeting, along with my rose neglect and terrible taste in shutter paint.”

“Mags.”

He sighed. “I really fucked things up, Carey. Like I _really_ fucked things up.”

“Okay.” She put both hands on his shoulders. “I'll get some wine. You...tell me everything.”

So – Magnus did. He told her about Lucretia and everything Angus had been going through. He talked about seeing the therapist, and having to pull Angus out of school for the rest of the year. He told her about his fight with Lucretia, about Angus and Lup catching them in the lab. Carey nodded and listened, stroking his hand and refilling his glass.

After he was done, she sighed heavily. “You know, Magnus...grief makes us all do some stupid shit, but you _really_ screwed this up.”

Magnus groaned, dropping his forehead onto the table. “ _I know._ ”

“You can fix this, but you...man you _really_ weren't thinking.”

“No,” he said. “I wasn't.”

Carey held his hand. “I know you're lonely, Mags. I _know_ it's been hard. But you...you _have_ to take care of yourself.”

“No, I have to take care of Angus--”

“You lied to him,” she said, pulling her hand back. “You _keep lying_ , and you're going to sit here and argue with me that all this is healthy? That you're doing a _bang up_ job?”

“Hey.” He stood, stumbling back, a little light headed from the wine. “You...you don't get to lecture me.”

“If it isn't me then who, Magnus? Julia's not around to clean up after you. You and Angus need to work this out and the first thing _you_ need to do is start treating yourself better. You're a _mess_ ,” she said. “Everyone can see it.”

“I'm _fine_ \--”

“ _Shut it_.” She put a finger in his face. “You're a wreck, Magnus Burnsides, and even Angus can see it. Get your shit together. You used a woman so you could _feel_ something. You used that writer to help take care of your son. Did any of it work? Like can you _honestly_ tell me it _worked?_ ”

He let his hands hang at his sides.

“No,” he said. “It didn't.”

She sighed. “This is fixable, Mags. Really. You just have to start being honest. With everyone.” She reached for him and Magnus stooped to hug her. “Especially you.”

When she let go, Magnus smiled. “Okay. I'm...gonna go get Angus. Will you stay down here a minute? So he can see someone he actually likes?” Carey nodded and gave him a heavy pat on the back as Magnus turned and went up the stairs. “Angus?” He knocked on the door. “Angus, bud, I need to talk to you.” He tried the handle, but it was locked. He could hear music playing on the other side. “Angus, can you turn down the music? I just...I need to talk to you.”

Carey's head appeared at the bottom of the steps. “What's up?”

Magnus took a deep breath and sighed. None of this felt right. “Get me a screwdriver,” he said.

“Magnus! You can't break into his room--”

“Carey, get me the damn screwdriver.”

She threw her hands up. “Fine!” She came up the stairs a second later and handed him the screwdriver. “You're a bad person.”

“You know--” Magnus knelt down and started undoing the screws on the door knob. “I'm all done shitting on myself. We can keep doing that later.” The handle came loose and Magnus fiddled with it until the door swung open.

Carey sighed. “Wasn't my idea, Ango--”

“He's gone.”

“...What?” She stepped past him.

Magnus stood. The window was open, and Angus – wasn't there.

Carey turned to him. “ _Oh my god._ ”

“No time for panicking.”

“Maybe he's in the yard, he couldn't have gone far--” Carey ran to the window. “ _Angus! Angus, honey--_ ”

“He's not there. He's got a forty minute lead on us.” Magnus turned and ran down the stairs, looking for his keys. “Go to your place, check and see if he went there. I'm gonna call Merle and Lup--”

“Magnus, you _drank_ \--”

“I'll start making better choices tomorrow,” he snapped, rounding on her. “Go and check.” He took a breath. “And I'm sorry for yelling.”

Carey reached up and cupped his cheek. “It's okay. Keep me in the loop,” she said, and ran out of the house.

Magnus gripped his keys in his hand and closed his eyes. Started to count.

_One. Two. Three. Four._

His heart was still pounding, but his head was clearing. He needed to get going. He needed to find his son.

He needed to make this right.

 

* * *

 

Merle answered the door in a sweat-suit and flip-flops, grinning ear-to-ear. “Mags! Hey, buddy, what's--”

“Is Mavis with you?”

“Uh, yeah, what--”

“ _Mavis!_ ” Magnus pushed past him and went inside. “Mavis, hon--”

She stepped out of her room, looking over her glasses. “Hi, Mr. Burnsides.”

“ _Mavis._ ” He went to her and knelt down. “I need to know where Angus is. Did he call here or tell you he was going somewhere tonight?”

Mavis shook her head. “N-no. Is he okay? Did he--”

Merle tapped on the wall. “Mags. What's--”

“Angus ran off. We...we had a fight, and he ran. I thought he might have come here or...called or something. I don't know.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Look, I gotta get back out there, just...let me know if you hear from him, okay?”

Mavis nodded. “Okay.”

Merle followed him to the door, grabbing Magnus's wrist. “Hey.” Magnus turned. “He's okay. Kid's got a good head on his shoulders. He's just goin' through somethin'. He'll be alright. If you need anything--”

“Merle? Is everything okay?” Davenport came out of the kitchen, wiping his hands on a dishtowel. “Oh, hey Magnus!”

“Uh. Hey...Captain.” Magnus looked between them. Merle shrugged. “I'll...process this later. I gotta find my kid.” He clapped Merle on the shoulder. “I'll let you know,” he said, and jogged back to his truck.

 _Okay, think. Think._ Angus had probably taken off right after he'd shut his door – Magnus should have known better, honestly, but he couldn't change that now. He pulled out his phone and dialed Lup's number, listening to it ring through a couple times and go to her voicemail. He dialed again and again until finally –

“Hello?” Magnus _flinched_ at the sound of Lucretia's voice. “Hello?” she said again.

“Uh, hey. It's...it's me.”

She took a breath. “Hey. Uh, Lup's on a call--”

“Is Angus there?”

“I...no. He's not. Magnus, what's--”

“Look, if comes by could you call me?”

Lucretia shifted the phone. “Magnus, honey--”

“It's fine. Don't worry about us, I'll find him.” He went to hang up, but he heard her shout, “ _Wait!_ ” Magnus sighed. “What?”

“Can we help? Lup is crazy about that kid, if he's run off--”

“ _No._ ”

He wondered if _she_ flinched.

“...Magnus--”

“I did this,” he said. “I screwed this up. I have to be the one to fix it. I'm sorry,” he added.

“Oh, Magnus. Why?”

“I didn't mean to pull you into this. I didn't...I wasn't trying to hurt you. Doesn't matter much now, but...”

Lucretia laughed softly. “I'm a big girl, Magnus. I'm gonna be okay. Besides,” she added. “I...liked not feeling so lonely either. That's what it was about, right?”

“Maybe,” he said, and started to back out of the driveway. “Maybe at first.”

“...At first.”

He exhaled. “Look, I don't...have time to talk about this. I gotta go find Angus.”

“Where are you looking?”

“Well he's not with you guys, he's not with his friend...I'm gonna try, uh, try where his mom is buried.”

“...Okay.” She took a trembling breath on the other end of the line. “Look, Magnus, I--”

“I gotta go,” he said, and hung up.

He couldn't do that. Not now.

Maybe not ever.

 

* * *

 

A year ago when they'd buried her, Angus had knelt by his mother's headstone and placed a sticker in the corner – a jellyfish. “So she won't forget,” he'd said.

As Magnus knelt in the same spot, he brushed his hand over the warn edges of the sticker and smiled, thinking about those days when he'd skip out on work and they'd wander whichever place Angus had picked for them, reading from the guidebook as he and Julia held hands and listened.

He brushed his hand over the press of her name into stone and took a trembling breath. “Hey,” he said. “I haven't stopped looking. I'm...I'm gonna head to the aquarium. They close pretty soon, and I'm pretty sure he's smart enough to hide.” He smiled. “We _really_ miss you, babe. This year's been a fucking disaster. It's just...it's just one huge mess after another. Most of them my fault.” Magnus stood. “You'd know what to do, if you were here. 'Course we wouldn't be dealing with this if you were here, but...” He slid his hands into his pockets. “I'm gonna go get our son, and I'm gonna bring him home. And _after_...I'll fix this. I'll fix everything. I'm sorry about hurting him, and about lying to him.”

Magnus closed his eyes. “I'm sorry about Lucretia I guess, too. You wouldn't have been proud of what I did. You would have told me to tell her the truth. And when it got... _complicated_ , you would have been the first person to tell me I needed to tell her how I feel. I was never trying to replace you. I just...I didn't want to be alone, anymore. And I'm sorry I didn't handle it well. I'm sorry I haven't handled any of this very well.

“I love you,” he said. “I will _always_ love you. Nothing and no one is going to change that. And you...probably know that, wherever you are.” He looked up. It was starting to snow. “I think I just needed to remind myself.”

 

* * *

 

It was easy after the aquarium closed to hide out until the lights went down. Angus figured he had a solid hour before his dad finally found him, after he exhausted the more obvious locations. After that...well, he hadn't planned for any of it. He just knew he needed to be alone. Just for a while.

Just himself and this...fabricated sea.

His mom would take him here any time he asked. His dad would follow, some days. This _place_ was his. Angus felt ownership over it more than his own home. There, these days, he felt like a stranger. Everything was empty and his dad was quiet and lonely. Angus thought about Lucretia, but only for a moment. Was he different, with her? Did he smile and laugh? He smiled with Angus these days, more than before, but –

When he'd caught them, he'd looked at her like he'd never looked at anyone. Not even Julia. Were there different looks of love for different people? It wasn't fair, he reasoned, that Lucretia should get the same look as his mother, or his mother the same look as any other woman. It must have been different. _He_ must have been different.

Angus wondered if he loved her.

He rolled onto his back and stared up at the stretch of tank that formed the ceiling in the jellyfish hall.

 _I like the moon jellies_ , she'd said to him. _Which one is your favorite?_

If Angus reached a little further, he could touch a place where her feet had been. If he closed his eyes he could imagine her there.

If he took deep breaths, he could relax the frantic beating of his heart, and imagine himself living without her.

All of it was painful.

“I miss you,” he whispered.

 _I know_ , he could imagine her saying.

“I wish you were _here_.”

He didn't really know what she'd say to that, so he hummed, and he sang –

_Love, love is gonna lead you by the hand, into a white and soundless place. Now we see things, as in a mirror dimly. Then we shall see each other face to face..._

“ _Angus!_ ”

He sat up. Less than an hour. His dad was getting better at this.

“ _Angus!_ ” He heard shoes squeak on the tile, and there, at the end of the hall, stood Magnus, looking panicked and relieved all at once. “Oh you're here. Thank god you're here.” He moved toward him, but Angus crawled away without thinking. Magnus closed his eyes. “Please don't do that to me, bud. You're...you're breaking my heart.”

“You _lied._ ”

“I know.” Magnus dropped to his knees. “ _I know._ It was wrong and I shouldn't have, but I...I never _planned_ for this. This was never what I wanted it to be like. You...you were going to have your mother here and we were gonna be able to get through the hard stuff together. This--” He looked around. “This wasn't what I wanted. And when it wound up being what I had...I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry,” he said. “You're...you're my boy and I never wanted to make you feel this way. I only ever wanted you to be loved and...and to be _happy._ ”

Angus sat and crossed his legs. “...What about you?”

“I never had to worry about me. I had everything I ever wanted.”

“And now?”

Magnus sat cross-legged, too, twisting his hands in his lap. “Well I...I got sorta sideswiped by all this. All of a sudden a big part of _us_ was missing and I...I didn't know what to do.” He sighed. “I wanted so _much_ to be able to prove I could keep doing this, like the part of all this that was _me_ wasn't a mistake and I think I just...I got lost.”

“...Lost.”

“Yeah. I sort of lost my way. Stumbled into all kinds of things--”

“Like Lucretia.”

Magnus flinched. “Yeah. That...wasn't my best moment.”

“Did you lie to her, too?”

“...Yeah, sort of.”

“How come the truth was so hard?”

Magnus shrugged. “Truth hurts sometimes, bud. More than lies. But...in the end--”

“I get it.” Angus unwound his legs and moved toward his dad. “I'm sorry I said I hated you.”

“It's okay. I'm not so crazy about my self right now.” Magnus held out a hand, and Angus took it, falling into his arms. “There you go, _there you go._ ”

Angus closed his eyes. “ _I miss her so much_.”

“I miss her, too.”

“You weren't trying to replace her?”

“ _No!_ No, I could never. Your mother is _irreplaceable_ , Angus. I just...you know how...how you spend time with Mavis, and you feel less alone?” Angus nodded. “That's all I wanted.”

“Did it work?”

Magnus's neck flushed. “I, uh. Not the way I was doing it. No.”

Angus sighed. “You can just say you were having sex, dad.”

“Absolutely not.”

“...Alright.” He felt Magnus hold him tighter.

“I love you. You're my boy, and I love you.”

Angus closed his eyes, and inhaled the steady, calming scent of his father. Of their new detergent and coffee. The bitter scent of oil that lingered on him after work. He closed his eyes, and if he really thought about it, he could imagine Julia coming to wrap her arms around them, too.

 _My boys_ , she'd say, and kiss them in turn.

But she couldn't now, and Angus...was going to need to accept that. He knew from group that he could always miss her, and he could always cry, but – she couldn't come back to them. She couldn't hold him again, or pester him about cleaning his room. She couldn't steal a kiss from Magnus while he cooked Sunday dinner, or teach Angus how to crochet. She couldn't do those things, but...she could still be his mother, if he told people about her.

As long as Angus remembered, as long as he listened to her music and read her favorite books and sang her favorite songs, well –

She'd live as long as he did. And if he did his job right –

She'd live even longer.

 

* * *

 

A week later, Magnus shut the hood of a car and made the last check on his clipboard. “Done,” he said.

Merle laughed. “ _Finally._ ”

“Man _alive_ , Merle, it's been a crazy week.”

“Sure has. How's Ango?”

Magnus sighed and went into his office, sorting through some papers. Merle trailed behind him. “He's okay. Getting better. We fought a couple more times, but...no more escaping.”

“That's good.”

“I just...” Magnus sighed and settled into his chair. “I feel like the shittiest dad in the world.”

“Oh, all dads feel that way sometimes. You do something, they tell you they hate you, that they're leavin' and never comin' back.” Merle shrugged. “Just part of bein' a parent. You knew this would happen eventually, right?”

“I just figured Jules would be around.”

“Oh, he would have hated her once or twice, too. It's called bein' a _parent_ , Mags. You're not the worst, you're like the rest of us.” Merle frowned. “Well, maybe not like me. _I_ might be the worst.”

“Are you kidding? Your kids love you?”

Merle chuckled. “It's been a long, hard road to here,” he said. “Well. Good talk and everything, but I've got a _date_ with a _boat captain._ ”

“Oh, yeah. How's that working out?”

“It's good! Great, actually. Kid love 'em, Hecuba even likes him. Can't complain. He's gonna be gone for a while, but...we'll be okay.”

Magnus shook his head. “I didn't even realize--”

“Hey. You had your hands full. No worries.” Merle clapped him on the shoulder. “Just keep your head up, Mags. And, uh, maybe keep seein' that shrink.” He grinned and headed out to wash his hands.

Magnus leaned back in his chair. The last week had been...a lot. He and Angus had hashed things out over and over. They'd apologized and cried and yelled and – he groaned. The process was exhausting. But...it was worth it. He needed to do this. He _needed_ to make sure he and Angus were solid.

This was it. They were the only family either had anymore. They had to take care of each other.

He stood. The lone photo on his desk was taken when Angus was three. They'd been parents for just over a year. Magnus could remember that day. He could remember exactly how happy he felt. He smiled.

He'd been learning over the last few months that it wasn't impossible to be happy anymore. Maybe the same moments and the same people could never come back, but...happiness was just a feeling.

And feelings – well, those were fair game.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from "i don't know my name" by grace vanderwaal

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr @ weatheredlaw


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